


In Which Hawke Gets a Visit from the Inquisitor

by labrujanana91



Series: New Beginnings: The Champion and The Inquisitor [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergent, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Headcanon, M/M, Multi, My first collection, Original Character(s), Slow Burn, Smut, favorite pairing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-01-05 23:35:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18376379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/labrujanana91/pseuds/labrujanana91
Summary: Hawke arrives at Weisshaupt and finds he might just die of boredom. After his encounter with the Inquisitor in the fade, Hawke is unable to shake the feeling that something has changed between them. Hawke is eagerly awaiting a letter from her. He isn't disappointed.*** Canon-Divergent: This takes place after the events at Adamant. In this story Hawke doesn't immediately go to Weisshaupt, he travels back to Skyhold first with the Inquisition. In the game, the Inquisitor never visited Weisshaupt, not even as a War Table Operation. This never made sense to me! From a tactical standpoint, wouldn't the Inquisition want to reach out to Weisshaupt fortress?!Although this work focuses on Hawke and Quizzy's complicated relationship; I definitely wanted to explore the reason Hawke left for Weisshaupt in the first place and what exactly his role is. I definitely don't feel like any good reason was given, so I've given my take on the reasons he went.Thoughts and comments welcome!*** If you're interested in Quizzy's story, it's now up and running!A Third Chance: Inquisitor Lavellan





	1. Weisshaupt Sucks: But Hawke Gets a Letter

**Author's Note:**

> I am currently finishing up Quizzy's story that will be posted in a separate collection. Trust me, this will all come together.  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke arrives at Weisshaupt and he is tired, hot, and irritated. He isn't exactly welcomed with open arms and he soon realizes that his stay at Weisshaupt will not be short. While waiting for the First Warden, he receives a letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** First Warden is the highest ranking official among the Grey Wardens.

_Well, Shit,_ thought Hawke. Hawke slowed his mount as he approached the fortress. Weisshaupt. It looked empty. Hawke gritted his teeth.  _If I came all the way here and its empty..._ he seethed.  _So, why did I come here again?_ Hawke asked himself.

"Oh that's right! My friend sacrificed himself to a giant demon, Quizzy comes out of the fade and  _doesn't_ exile the Wardens. Now, they're chickens with their heads cut off!" Hawke roared to himself.

His mount twitched in irritation. Hawke had wanted to stay with the Inquisition. Badly. Well, not just the Inquisition. If he was being honest he missed it's leader, Lenan. She was still going to fight Corypheus. She was still actively searching for him.  _Didn't I say that was my job?_ Hawke thought as he sighed. As much as he wanted to slay Corypheus himself, now that Stroud was gone the Southern Wardens had no leader, and Hawke needed to know why the Northern Wardens  _hadn't_ heard the false Calling. Someone needed to tell the First Warden what happened in the South and someone needed to tell the Wardens to find a new leader. 

And so Hawke had volunteered himself. The Wardens as an  _organization_ let Corypheus rise again.  _They need to fix this shit,_ Hawke thought. He didn't want to be here. He had only one thing on his mind; one  _person_ on his mind; Lenan.  _Stop, stop, stop_ , he chanted to himself. Thinking of her and their encounter in the Fade did funny things to him. As he approached the ancient gates, they began to open.  _Oh, so someone is here_ , he thought. As the gates opened further, Hawke saw ten Wardens waiting for him. With swords drawn.

The one with the biggest sword spoke, well bellowed, first. "Speak! What is your business here?" Hawke held up his hands in mock surrender and a lazy grin came across his face. 

"Easy now! Just thought someone should know what happened in the South. Corypheus, blood magic, corruption, dead Warden-Commanders... but if you're not interested..." Hawke let his sentence trail as the man looked at him in shock. 

"Who are you?" asked the Warden. 

"I am the Champion of Kirkwall. Garrett Hawke. And I just saw Warden-Commander Clarel fall. There is no senior ranking Warden left in the South," said Hawke, letting his smirk fall and his words sink in. 

"This is grave news," said the Warden.  _No shit,_ thought Hawke. 

"I've heard tales of your exploits. You have quite the reputation. Nevertheless, the First Warden will need to hear this," said the Warden.  _No. SHIT._ Hawke was hot and irritated; he was ready to be done. 

"This way," said the Warden. Hawke was allowed inside. And that's when he learned that the First Warden wasn't there. That's when he learned that it would be another  _week_ before the First Warden would bless them with his presence. And that's when Hawke decided he would just die of boredom and misery. 

* * *

To make sure he didn't die of boredom, Hawke wandered around Weisshaupt the first two days. A Warden-recruit by the name of Anthony was assigned as his guide. Hawke was allowed into a room filled with Ogre horns, which Hawke learned he couldn't wear on his head. Anthony showed Hawke the Warden's enormous library and he was deeply impressed. Normally, Hawke hated libraries, books, reading, and writing, but this place was mesmerizing. Hawke was given permission to browse and look around; provided he didn't steal anything. He found a collection about Griffons and Hawke fell in love. Because, Griffons.

Hawke was sitting in the library's balcony reading when he heard a loud  _thump._ Hawke glanced up and on the railing sat an enormous raven. A small band around it's leg displayed it's source: Nightingale's. Hawke's heart pounded in his chest. This wasn't from the Inquisition, it was from it's Inquisitor.

Hawke took the letter from the raven's leg and then said darkly "Don't you leave," The raven simply tilted it's head and stared, but it stayed. Hawke held his breath as he unraveled the letter and began to read: 

_Dear Hawke,_

_I was thinking of you. I have heard that the journey to the Anderfels is long, arduous, and boring -_

Hawke paused and smiled, _O_ _h,_ _how did she know?_ Hawke thought. He continued reading:

 _So, I thought you could use a distraction_ - 

Hawke paused again, his excitement was the _real_ distraction. _What a wonderful, beautiful, stunning distraction you are,_ he mused. He once again picked up where he left off:

_The Inquisition is still regathering before making another move. Many of the trebuchets were damaged at Adamant and it's taken Cullen over a month to get them back to Skyhold. I thought I would fill you in on some recent events._

_I have some interesting news. You called it. Blackwall was acting a bit strange. To keep a long story short; he is no Grey Warden. His name is Thom Rainier and he has had innocent people killed. He was going to hang for his crimes in Val Royeaux but I stayed his execution and had him taken to Skyhold. I pardoned him._

_Now, before you begin to curse at me, I shall explain. The man had secrets; he sought redemption and his actions since joining the Inquisition have been nothing but noble. Have I too not kept secrets? Have I not sought redemption? I could not exile or kill a man who I see so much of myself in. Anyway, his name is Thom. Isn't that a boring name? Thought you would like that information._

_How are you? I must admit, I think I miss you. I certainly miss seeing someone out-drink Sera. What is Weisshaupt Like? The First Warden? Have you spoken to Isabela? I could have Leliana send an agent to Kirkwall; they are efficient and would provide answers quickly. Please let me know how I can help. I expect a letter in return and an answer to all the above questions. Or, I send poison in the next letter._

_Best,_

_Quizzy_

Hawke was reeling. He was smiling like an idiot. She wrote him. He knew she would. That night in the Fade, Hawke saw the look in her eyes and knew she would write. He wanted to see her again. She had an aura about her that he could not resist. And maybe, just maybe... 

 _No,_ Hawke chided. It was a one time thing. Right? For the millionth time Hawke replayed their night together in the Fade: Lenan's touch, her moans, her pleas, the taste of her on his tongue... Hawke hardened at the thought.  _I need to see her,_ Hawke thought. He sat thinking. What reason did Lenan have to come here? Hawke was the one who was supposed to be handling this... Suddenly, inspiration hit. Hawke ran for parchment and ink and willed the raven to stay put. He ran back to the balcony happy the raven still sat there, and began to write: 

_Dear Quizzy,_

_So glad you're thinking of me. I am sure you miss my adorable face. The journey to Weisshaupt consisted of heat, sand, and rocks. More sand, more rocks. Lots of heat; you get it. I arrived here and can you believe the First Warden is **not** here? What a prick... so I'm waiting. _

_Now that is interesting to hear of... Thom? WHAT DID I TELL YOU? Don't worry, I get why you did what you did. You aren't a loony, well just a bit._

_No, I have not heard from Isabela. No, do not send an agent. I already have someone checking. So nosey; remind me to not tell you of my love life._

_On another note; since you miss me so much, why don't you visit?! There is lots of stone, I'm sure Varric would approve! There is a giant library that I know Sparkles would love. And Thom would love to speak to real Grey Wardens. Honestly, if you and I spoke to the First Warden it would force him to take what's happening in the South more seriously._

_So? What do you say? I say, see you in a few weeks. Can't wait to see the gang. You'll love the sand and rocks._

_Champion._

Hawke guffawed to himself. Hawke knew Lenan would come. She would be beyond irritated by his  _commanding_ tone and she would march all the way here to tell him how she felt. With another snicker, Hawke sealed his letter and sent it away with Nightingale's raven. He daydreamed about Lenan's expression when she opened the letter. 

 _Just a few more weeks,_ thought Hawke. He was sure of it. 


	2. An Irritated Inquisitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke is getting more bored as the days go by. He has received his first letter from the Inquisitor and he is hoping that he has enticed her into coming to Weisshaupt.  
> Thoughts and comments welcome :)

Another two days later and Hawke was bored of the library. The Warden-recruit Anthony suggested Hawke should visit the training grounds. Together, they entered the training grounds and he found it full of Wardens. 

 _There are more Wardens here than I thought,_ Hawke mused. There were many battle mages present and a sparring match between two mages interested him. Both mages held a sword in one hand and a staff in the other. They took turns charging at one another, using their staff to cast and block sword attacks. Hawke found this fascinating. Hawke liked to engage in close quarter combat, but he had never fought in this way.

Hawke decided he wanted to try his hand at this. "Anthony, can I get in the ring there? I want try my hand with the sword," asked Hawke. 

"Of course Champion. I will introduce you to Warden Frederick. He will be a good teacher," Anthony said. And so Hawke began training with a sword. It was awkward at first, but he soon adapted to the sword's weight. By late afternoon Hawke was holding his own against Frederick. Hawke was exhausted. Frederick, Anthony, and Hawke took shelter under a tree to rest.

"Look there, that's a rather large raven," said Frederick. Hawke looked up and followed Frederick's gaze. Hawke smiled, this was what he had been dying to see. A raven. By the looks of it, it was the same raven from before.  _I'll call him Reginald. Nice and Important,_ Hawke mused. Reginald landed on the fence in front of them. Hawke got up and walked towards Reginald; both Frederick and Anthony watched curiously.

"Hey Reginald!" said Hawke. Reginald tilted his head and blinked twice. Hawke, already smiling, removed the letter from his leg and began reading: 

_Dear Idiot,_

_Since when do you get to order me around? -_

"I knew it!" Hawke laughed. 

_Who says I have the time to travel across your beloved sand and rocks! Furthermore, since when do you get to choose my traveling party? SPARKLES... yet another name you've picked up from Varric. Anyway, after I sent my first letter I sent an agent to Kirkwall. That's what you get for spewing your love life to someone that cares. The agent's report will go directly to you. Be on the lookout._

_As much as I loathe to admit that you're right; you're right. I'm sure you're smiling and very happy. My advisers agree that the situation with the Wardens is a pressing matter. At Adamant, I made a quick decision; I didn't stop to think about what would happen with the Grey Wardens once Corypheus is defeated. My advisers think that you and I stand a better chance of convincing the First Warden to take action._

_I'll be traveling with Dorian, Varric, Thom, and Bull. Dorian would really love to get his hands on ancient history, Varric really loves stone, and Thom volunteered himself. And Bull; Bull goes wherever Dorian goes. You'll be happy to know I made this decision on my own without any outside influence._

_I'll see you in a week. Although you're quite irritating, I could use this distraction. I'll explain more when I get there._

_Yours,_

_Lenan._

_Yours._ Hawke read again.  _I wish_ , he thought. Hawke really did wish it. Hawke realized what Lenan meant by needing a distraction. Solas. Hawke gritted his teeth. Lenan had told Hawke about the two of them during their Fade encounter, but he wasn't really supposed to know. Hawke would sit and listen to her heartbreak once again and he would try not to plot to kill the bald elf. 

Isabela. Aveline had sent a letter just yesterday saying she hadn't seen Isabela and demanded that Hawke let Isabela go. Now, Lenan had sent an agent.  She was stubborn, just like him. Still, he was hopeful that Leliana's agent would come up with something. Anything at all. Hawke sighed. A part of him didn't want to know; another part of him had to know. Had he just been wasting his time with Isabela?

Varric had warned him long ago: "She'll break your heart, kid," Hawke had scoffed at the time, but now he was left with nothing other than heartache. 

Hawke pushed his heartache aside. He wouldn't die of heartache or boredom. Hawke waved to Frederick and Anthony, then signaled to Reginald to perch on top of his outstretched forearm. Together they walked to his lodgings where Hawke let Reginald perch on his windowsill. Hawke grabbed a blank piece of parchment and quill and sat down to write a response:

_Dear FIRECRACKER,_

_I am delighted you took my advice. I always choose the best traveling companions. In all seriousness, I am happy you're coming INKY. I was beginning to think I would die of loneliness. Wardens don't make for the best company._

_'See you in a week?' How do you travel so fast? By the way, you're a brat. What part of of no do you not understand? I suppose I should say thank you, SPARKY; it would be nice to know how dear Isabela is getting along._

_You'll really enjoy the sand and rocks. The sand gets everywhere..._

_Your loving Champion,_

_Hawke._

Hawke smiled as he rolled up the parchment and sealed it. As he attached the letter to Reginald he thought of Lenan. He thought of her scent: warm honey and almonds. He thought of her lips and the way they parted under his touch. He thought of her smile and his heart soared.

He sent Reginald away and Hawke let his thoughts carry him somewhere  _very_ pleasant. 


	3. Bad News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke gets more letters, but one of them isn't from the Inquisitor. Hawke finally gets some answers, none of which are what he wanted to hear.

Eventually, even sparring was beginning to bore Hawke.

He began spending more time with the Warden who first waved his sword at him at the gate. The man was actually a Warden-Commander. Thain was his name. Hawke wondered why Weisshaupt needed a Warden-Commander when the First Warden resided in the fortress but then he remembered just how absent the man seemed to be.  _I guess someone needs to take charge while the big boss is gallivanting with the nobles,_ thought Hawke. Hawke decided that Thain wasn't bad company and Thain was an excellent drinking partner. 

During one of their conversations over ale, Thain finally began showing signs of inebriation. They were seated in the mess hall and they had a table to themselves. Thain was a much older man, and he intimidated Hawke. He had the bushiest eyebrows he had ever seen and massive claw marks stretched above his right eye down across to the left side of his jawline. As they sat at the table, Thain suddenly clapped Hawke on the shoulder so hard, Hawke almost choked on his drink. 

"Hawke! You're a decent sort. You are no Grey Warden, yet here you are. This is a noble deed," said Thain. Hawke rubbed his now sore shoulder.

Thain continued. "The First Warden will arrive tomorrow. A bit of advice my friend; do not get your hopes up. It is not as if the First Warden does not receive news from the South. What he does and does not know he does not share with me. I am not entirely sure how much he knows of our Southern brethren, but I do know that if he does not benefit from it, he will not take action," said Thain. 

"Oh, great," muttered Hawke.  _Well, it's good Quizzy is coming,_ thought Hawke. The First Warden would only benefit from an alliance with the Inquisition, right? Hawke didn't really know. He understood nothing of the politics here. Everything in the Anderfels was foreign. Just then, a messenger approached their table. The man greeted Thain first. 

"Warden-Commander. Champion, a message for you," said the messenger as he handed Hawke the letter.

Thain looked at Hawke through his bushy brows and said, "Take my advice, lad. I'll leave you to your business,"

And with that, Thain got up rather slowly and departed. Hawke knew Reginald had not delivered this letter. If he had he would not have left Hawke, Reginald was good like that. Hawke sighed, he knew this letter was from Leliana's agent. Hawke suddenly felt nervous and he wasn't sure why. Slowly, Hawke opened the letter and began to read: 

_Serah, Hawke,_

_I was dispatched to Kirkwall on the Inquisitor's request. I was informed to conduct a welfare check on a woman named Isabela._

_I spent three days in Kirkwall. I was able to gather that Isabela was away at sea. I came across a smuggler who I persuaded to talk. He informed me that Isabela was smuggling something big into Kirkwall. Given Kirkwall's history I found this deeply concerning, so I took to the docks for work. I kept my ear low to the ground and heard of a midnight delivery by a woman and a Qunari. I made sure I was present to help for this midnight delivery._

_At the hour of midnight on the third day, a ship indeed docked. A woman that the dock crew greeted as Isabela emerged from below deck; she was followed closely by a large Qunari. She ordered us to unload the cargo from the ship. It was liquor. Illegal, strong liquor. I was no longer concerned. Once the cargo was delivered off the ship, the woman paid us. She kissed the Qunari and they walked off. I followed. They found lodging and remained together for the remainder of the night._

_The woman is well and alive. Nothing else of importance was noted._

That was all.

Hawke re-read the letter. Hawke felt empty, hollow. After the entire ordeal with the Arishok, Isabela was now smuggling goods and bedding with the Qunari? He and Isabela had been through so much together. Hawke thought that he was more to her than just a fun companion. And yet, she had moved on to the next; easily. His words and letters could only keep her for so long it seemed. Hawke had never cried over a woman in this way, but he felt tears welling in his eyes. He felt weak for what he knew was coming. He collected his letter, grabbed another tankard of ale, and marched to his room. He had never felt more alone in his life. He started to cry and he hated himself for it. He grabbed parchment and a quill and began to write. 

_Lenan,_

_Thank you for sending an agent. I have my answers now. Travel well._

_Hawke._

Hawke went off and found a messenger bird and sent the short message away. He went back to his room and let the ale and tears flow.

* * *

The next morning, Hawke woke and felt empty. He knew his eyes were puffy and his hair stood up in every direction. He bathed in cold water, trying to take away the puffiness in his eyes. As he finished dressing he heard a  _thump._ He looked at the window and there stood Reginald.  _Wow, either Quizzy is close or she responded the moment she got my letter,_ Hawke thought in amazement. Hawke petted Reginald fondly, Reginald was a good raven. He removed the letter from Reginald and began to read: 

_Dear Garrett,_

_If I have upset you, I apologize. I only wanted to help. I promise the agent only reported to you, his findings won't be reported to anyone else. We don't need to talk about it unless you want to._

_I_ _care for you Hawke, please know I did not mean to cause you pain._

_I will see you soon._

_Yours,_

_Lenan._

_Garrett. She never calls me Garrett,_ Hawke thought. His short letter had clearly upset her. She thought that she hurt him? Lenan could never hurt him. Why was she apologizing? Hawke cursed himself as he got up to write a response:

_Lenan,_

_Please, don't ever apologize to me. You could never hurt me like that. I got my answers, they just weren't what I wanted to hear. It's what I needed to hear. Seriously, thank you Quizzy._

_Hawke._

Hawke sent Reginald away with his response. _I_ _care for you_ , her letter said. It never ceased to amaze him how kind she was. Just then, Hawke heard a horn blow a deep, powerful sound across the fortress.

The First Warden had arrived. 


	4. A Serious Mustache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First Warden finally arrives and boy does he have a serious mustache... Hawke is having a hard time reading the man but he knows he will feel better once Quizzy arrives.

Hawke acknowledged the horn that signaled the arrival of the First Warden but he was slow to move.

Hawke was flooded with mixed emotions and he was finding it hard to focus. He thought back to the previous night; he felt shame for crying over Isabela. Hawke struggled to understand why he was so upset.

The best way to describe Hawke and Isabela's relationship was to say that it was  _open._ They both had different partners during their relationship; they had even brought a third person into their bedroom on more than one occasion...  _well, she brought in a third person_ , thought Hawke.

So why did this hurt? Hawke took a deep breath and he knew the answer. At the end of the day, they had always returned to one another. They had always kept in contact; they had spoken of a future together. But now...  _She has completely cut me off,_ reflected Hawke. 

And Lenan... It unnerved him how quickly his feelings had changed. Hawke felt they exposed raw emotions to one another during their night in the Fade together.  _Vhenan - heart._ That is what she said to him. For reasons unknown to him, he couldn't let that go. Did she love him? How could that be? Lenan had thought she was having a simple dream then. Even so, why would she say that? "Damn it all," muttered Hawke. A knock sounded at the door. 

"Champion? The First Warden has arrived. Will you come with me please?" the man asking sounded like Anthony. Hawke opened the door and headed out with Anthony. Hawke was happy the First Warden was finally blessing them with his presence. He knew he needed to be serious with this fellow.  _Not too hard,_ thought Hawke. He was in no joking mood anyway. Hawke was led into the courtyard and he and Anthony joined Warden-Commander Thain near the gates. Hawke felt nervous and he looked around the fortress for the cause. The ancient stone towers cast ominous shadows on the courtyard. Their shadows blackened the large willow trees.  _I hate this. It reminds me of the Fade,_ thought Hawke. 

The First Warden dismounted from his horse. He was a tall man, younger than Hawke would have guessed. Perhaps ten years his senior. He had a serious mustache, one that rivaled Stroud's. He wasn't wearing Warden armor; instead the man wore clothes that looked like they belonged to a noble but bore the Warden insignia.  _Well, he technically is a noble,_ mused Hawke. He wasn't unpleasant to look at, as the First Warden's posture demanded attention.

Thain stepped toward the man with a hand across his heart and said "First Warden, I welcome you back. In your absence we received a guest. I introduce you to the Champion of Kirkwall, Garrett Hawke. He has urgent news from the South. I have counseled with the man and if what he says is true, we must take action,"

Hawke extended his hand to the First Warden who nodded and shook his hand firmly. Hawke was surprised by Thain, he had only known him for a week and hadn't thought he had earned his trust. 

"I shall judge his words, Commander. I thank you," said the First Warden. With a nod to Hawke and the First Warden, Thain departed. 

"Come, it seems you have much to tell me," said the First Warden as he signaled Hawke to follow. 

And with that, he was led to an enormous study. Hawke sat across from the First Warden, a massive table the shape of a griffon stood between them. Hawke spent an entire morning telling all. He spoke of his first encounter with Corypheus and Corypheus' revival and his corruption of the Wardens. He spoke of Corypheus' plan to raise a demon army and how it ended in the death of all high ranking Wardens. He described how Adamant had fallen. Hawke informed the First Warden that the Southern Wardens were now aiding the Inquisition. The First Warden fumed. 

"The Wardens are working for the Inquisition? This cannot stand," seethed the First Warden. 

"Trust me, the Inquisition doesn't want them either. But I don't think exile would have been the answer. Once this is over, I am sure the Inquisitor would not want to be left in charge of the Wardens. This is why I am here," said Hawke, trying to ease the tension that had built up in the room. The First Warden said nothing. Instead, his gaze bored through him, calculating.  _Don't lose your cool,_ chanted Hawke. 

"My lord, I have sent word to the Inquisitor herself. We saw what happened at Adamant. She is on her way to counsel with you and I," said Hawke. The First Warden's eyes perked up and his very serious mustache twitched. 

"The Inquisitor? Here? Hmmm. My Southern brethren did not question her decision to enlist their aid?" asked the man. 

"No, she is a very strong leader and they needed her guidance. She has a great tactical mind and the Commander of the Inquisition forces is damn good," answered Hawke. 

"Hmm. This could be good for the Grey Wardens. The Inquisition would be a good ally. No doubt after Adamant many people doubt our purpose and our worth. The Inquisition could help restore the people's faith in the order," the First Warden mused. He continued. "As for you Champion, it appears that we still have much to discuss. No doubt we will have to document your account for our records. The thought that Wardens can hear a false Calling? It cannot stand. So, perhaps you can help? I look forward to meeting this Inquisitor. She seems like a strong woman, and an  _elf_ at that!"

Hawke didn't like the emphasis on the fact that Lenan was an elf. And he also didn't like the implication that he would be staying longer. 

Hawke trudged forward and said "The inquisitor is a good woman. She will help us find a solution,"  _A solution to help me get out of this place,_ he said to himself. He hoped she would arrive soon. 

After the meeting Hawke returned to his room. He did not know how he felt about the First Warden. He hadn't received a reply to his letter but he needed to write Lenan anyway. He grabbed parchment and began to write: 

_Quizzy,_

_The First Warden has arrived. You would not believe the size of his mustache..._

_Do you have an estimated time for your arrival? I don't much like the idea of being stuck with this mustache and the man attached to it. He isn't too pleased that the Grey Wardens are taking orders from you._

_Yes, I know this is his fault. Yes, I know this is his problem. Just hurry, please._

_Hawke_

Hawke went and found a messenger bird and hurriedly sent the message out. He was feeling deeply unsettled so he set off to try and distract himself until Lenan arrived. 


	5. Took You Long Enough...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisitor finally arrives at Weisshaupt; well, she arrived much sooner than Hawke anticipated. Hawke is feeling relieved and very distracted...  
> This chapter is a bit long, but then again Hawke has been DYING to see the Inquisitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter a day keeps the demons at bay! I work for the school district which means Spring Break has my brain juices flowing :) I definitely won't be able to keep this pace up once break is over. 
> 
> One another note: Hawke is about to do some serious adulting. Remember: this is a slow burn - I got the smut out of my system in the first part of this series. While I feel that Hawke is generally an easy going jokester, I think it would be a big mistake to not account for character growth. I think Dragon Age: Inquisition tried to show this (but kinda failed by not explaining ANYTHING) They had the right idea; I think Hawke has matured but I still don't think he would have gone to Weisshaupt without complaining the entire time.

Hawke did not like the First Warden. Despite the pleasantries exchanged between them, something about him made him think he was not a Warden. He held himself above his brethren, as if he was their king.  _Prick,_ that was Hawke's thought every time he saw the man. 

Lucky for him one morning, not two days after the arrival of the First Warden, Reginald appeared at his windowsill.  _I love this raven_ , he thought fondly. Hawke removed the message from Reginald's leg and began to read: 

_Dear Hawke,_

_You're really impatient. You send me another letter before I can respond to the last. I am hurrying. I blame Bull for spotting a dragon -_

"They spotted a dragon?!" Hawke roared; Reginald squawked in irritation. Hawke continued:

_Since I told him we couldn't hunt down a dragon, he insisted we find it's nesting spot so we could pursue it on our way back. Needless to say; I've been a little preoccupied with a rather large Qunari and his obsession with dragons._

_I trust that you have softened up the First Warden with your charm and your wit. Everything will be fine._

_By the way. I'm here._

_Lenan._

Hawke re-read the letter.  _Wait, what does she means she's here? I think I would notice a glowing elf,_ thought Hawke. He grabbed some leftover bread and gave it to Reginald and then started to get dressed. Suddenly, a horn sounded that signaled the arrival of someone at the gate.  _Wait a minute. She really IS here? What a cheeky woman..._ thought Hawke. He had only been at Weisshaupt for ten days, how is that Lenan traveled so fast? 

"What is this Reg? No one sounded a horn at my arrival!" Hawke demanded of  _his_ raven. "Make yourself at home Reg," he said as he waved at the raven. Reginald actually squawked back in response.

Hawke raced to the courtyard and was greeted by the sight of a small contingent of Inquisition soldiers carrying the Inquisition banner.  _A show of force, Curly's idea no doubt,_ he mused. Wardens began to gather at the gate to greet the incoming party. Hawke joined Thain and the First Warden and he waited to see the only person he had been longing to see for weeks. The inquisition troops parted and then he saw her. 

Lenan never dressed in battle mage armor, or not that Hawke ever saw. Instead, she seemed to favor light armor that supported quick movements. Lenan wore greens and golds, the Inquisition insignia on her chest. With a sigh, Hawke realized that her hair was worn in its usual braided up-do; he wanted to see her long curls down about her face. Her dark skin always had a glow to it; it mesmerized him. He followed the contours of her face, her cheeks, her full lips, the shape of her eyes... he paused at her eyes and then her eyes met his. Once again, Hawke was falling; he felt like he was spinning. Blood rushed to his face as he smiled hugely at her. 

Lenan's mouth twitched as she tried to suppress a smile. She looked away as her chocolate eyes darted around the fortress. She looked reserved and had her arms crossed behind her back. Before, Hawke had always thought her demeanor odd; he had wondered why she never let her body relax. Now knowing her past, he understood why. Before the Inquisition she spent time at the Circle in Orzammar and before that she was an assassin. He wondered if and when she would ever get a chance to live her life free of fear. 

Lenan was very different than any elf Hawke had ever met. If it weren't for her pointed ears, one would think that she was human. She had longer limbs and more angled feature but she was tall and...  _full._ Maybe it was all her years of physical training and fighting. She was all muscle.

Hawke realized he was staring and he forced himself to look away. He caught Varric's attention and the dwarf smirked at him. He noticed Thom who looked older and more grave. Thom seemed nervous; and rightly so. Just as Lenan had said, the Iron Bull stood very close to Dorian. Hawke watched as Dorian handed over his staff to Bull and then adjusted his breastplate.  _Oh, I get it,_ thought Hawke. 

Hawke thought that the Iron Bull and Dorian made a strange pair but who was he to judge? Hawke had had his fair share of encounters with men. Isabela had introduced him to that. He had even let Anders into his bed one night when the man showed up at his door. Anders was drunk and in need... While he did not mind the company of men, it was not his preference. Hawke didn't like thinking of Anders, so he looked back at Lenan. He caught her staring at him. She quickly looked away and focused her gaze on the First Warden.  _She has never had an issue looking at me before,_ he thought. 

Suddenly Hawke felt panic. In the Fade, Lenan never thought Hawke was actually Hawke. He had assumed that since she had thought that their encounter was a simple dream, that she would just dismiss it. Now, as Hawke kept catching her staring, he wondered if she remembered... he had no idea what he was going to do. Luckily, the  _prick_ with the very serious mustache started to speak. 

"My lady Inquisitor, it is a pleasure to have you here on these sacred grounds," the First warden held out his hand to Lenan. Lenan was good at the game; her expression softened and she surrendered her left hand into his. 

"The Inquisition is eager to lend it's assistance. No doubt my colleague has filled you in while we made our journey," Lenan said as she nodded in Hawke's direction. She had a light but strong voice; she had an accent that Hawke had never been able to place it's origin. He winked at her and he swore that he saw her blush. 

"The Champion has been helpful. I hear that you have taken the liberty of utilizing the remaining Grey Wardens to assist the Inquisition in fighting Darkspawn. Very bold of you," said the First Warden. The party around them shuffled nervously. Lenan did not waver; in fact she took control. The hand still in the First Warden's hand grasped tighter as her right hand moved to cover their hands. 

"First Warden, I had no other choice. Darkspawn still roam Ferelden and Orlais. To exile the Grey Wardens here to Weisshaupt would only mean death and destruction. The Inquisition cannot allow that, as I am sure you would not either," Lenan said as her face opened up. She spoke only the truth. The First Warden sighed.

"No, I cannot allow that. Come, you are well met. Your party may rest and your soldiers are welcome. Follow me Champion, Inquisitor. We have much to discuss," The First Warden led the way up the steps and out of the Courtyard. Lenan waved to her party, and Dorian actually blew her a kiss. 

Hawke fell in step with Lenan, a few feet behind the First Warden. He was overwhelmed by the power of her scent. Everything that he remembered about her was magnified in the waking world. Hawke grabbed her by the elbow to slow her down a little. He leaned down as he was still a full head taller than her and whispered in her ear. 

"Miss me much?"

"No," she said. 

"Liar. Took you long enough to get here. Dragging ass I see," 

"You know what? My next letter to you really will contain poison. Are you my adviser? Why do you think you can order me around? I got here in record time," 

"If you poison me, whose advice will you follow?" 

"You're insufferable," 

"You love me," Hawke teased. Lenan's cheeks puffed up as if she was going to respond. Her face got red as she let out a huge huff and she walked faster so she fell in line with the First Warden. Smiling hugely, Hawke caught up with her, pinched her side, and continued on as if nothing happened. The three of them continued on to the First Warden's study. 

* * *

 Things got serious then. A map of all of Thedas was brought in and placed on the infamous Griffon table. Lenan filled the First Warden in on what she had the Grey Wardens doing since the events at Adamant. The remaining Wardens were mostly inexperienced. She placed markers on the map where she had sent Warden scouting parties. Hawke helped by placing more markers of known Darkspawn sightings that Lenan had yet to send Wardens to.

Hawke couldn't help but watch Lenan. A lock of her hair escaped her up-do and fell down under her ear. She was leaning across the table searching on the map to place a marker where the First Warden wanted to send a battalion. Hawke wasn't listening to them at all. He was daydreaming. He envisioned he and Lenan in this room at night. He pictured himself undressing her and bending her over this very table and taking her from behind. The noises they could make...

"Isn't that right Champion?" asked the First Warden. Lenan was looking at Hawke with wide eyes; her lips slightly parted. 

"Uh, yes," Hawke replied without having any idea as to what he was agreeing to. 

"Excellent. Hawke will stay and assist our researchers. In the meantime, we must find a new Warden-Commander to establish order in Orlais. Although I am loathe to do it, Thain will have to travel back with you Inquisitor. You need a seasoned veteran and he is my very best. We will stay and figure out the rest," said the First Warden. Hawke realized what he had just agreed to:  _Maker's balls, kill me now._

"First Warden, now that a Warden-Commander will be sent to establish order in the South, may I ask what more you need of the Champion?" Lenan was attempting to save Hawke in a very diplomatic way. 

"My lady, Hawke's experience is unique. He has killed Corypheus before. He knows all too well the dangers of possession and abominations. He is in a unique position to help us learn, to help us change. We must find a way to guard ourselves against another attack of the mind. I am convinced he can help," said the First Warden.

Hawke was stunned. When the First Warden put it like that, it made sense. Hawke had been right; he and Lenan together were a force the First Warden could not ignore. Ignoring them would be political suicide. Lenan had single handedly saved the Grey Wardens from being thrown out of Orlais. Perhaps the First Warden was more honorable than he let on.  _Or, maybe he is assigning someone to find a solution so he can go back to the political sphere..._ he thought. Hawke sighed. 

"Inquisitor, he is right. Something has to change. The people accepted the Wardens into the Inquisition because _you_  willedit. People will still have doubts," Hawke said. Lenan's shoulders fell but she nodded. Their discussion carried on.

Hawke's chest suddenly felt heavy and burdened. 

 


	6. Gotta Fix This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke has a serious conversation with Varric and decides it would be a great idea to challenge the Inquisitor to a match in the sparring ring. It was a bad idea... 
> 
> Another long chapter and I try my hand at a fight scene :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first attempt at writing a fight scene. I'm out of my element there so I apologize ahead of time.

The conversation between Lenan and the First Warden continued. Warden-Commander Thain was called in and they began discussing the terms of his departure from Weisshaupt. The longer Hawke looked at Lenan, the more he began questioning his decision to stay.

Since he knew he would not be heading back to Skyhold with Lenan and Thain, he excused himself from their discussion. Hawke needed some space and time to breathe. Lenan looked at him with worried eyes; it pained him. In an effort to ease her worry, he winked at her as he departed. Lenan gave a small smile, but there was something still there in her eyes.

Hawke went back into the courtyard looking for Varric. He passed by the training grounds and he found Iron Bull already wrestling with a rather large man.  _Varric will be here somewhere,_ he thought. Then he spotted him taking bets on the brawl. Varric locked eyes with Hawke and held up his hand, indicating Hawke to wait. Varric handed over the bowl he was using to collect coin to Dorian. Varric approached Hawke and made to open his mouth to speak. 

"Not here," whispered Hawke. Hawke led them away from the ring to a quieter spot. The two of them sat down beneath a large willow tree. 

"So, when were you going to tell me?" Varric asked. 

"Tell you what?" Hawke raised his eyebrows. There were many things he needed to tell Varric. 

"C'mon, you were smiling like an idiot out in the courtyard earlier. Did I miss something between you and Firecracker?" 

"I - Varric... I don't know. I don't even know where to start with that one," 

"I know where to start. I don't know what is going on between you and  _Isabela,_ but you need to figure that shit out before you get anywhere near Lenan," Varric said rather darkly. Hawke was shocked; Varric never used Lenan's actual name. He could see that Varric cared deeply for her. 

"She's hurting Hawke. I'm not sure if you noticed but she and Solas were serious. I don't know what happened between them but she's hurting. Bad. To say she feels betrayed would be an understatement. I won't let her get hurt again,"

"It's good to see how much faith you have in me, friend. Two things: One, I would never hurt Lenan. Two, Isabela could care less about my feelings, she's made that very clear," 

"What happened with Isabela?" Varric looked worried. Hawke filled him in on what Leliana's agent had discovered. Hawke made no attempt to hide his emotion from Varric, he never could anyway. 

"Do I get to say I told you so?" Varric teased. Hawke punched his arm. 

"Ha! Hey, take it easy. Really though, I am sorry. You don't sound like you're over it. You've changed Hawke. A few years ago you wouldn't have cared about any of this, or Lenan. Speaking of which; I definitely missed something there. When did you two get so close?" Hawke just shook his head.

"Can we just get drunk tonight?" asked Hawke. 

"Sure kid, drinks on me," said Varric. He patted Hawke on the shoulder and they sat in companionable silence. 

* * *

All Hawke wanted was to speak to Lenan alone. He found this was so much more difficult than he had imagined. The day after the Inquisition arrived he woke early and found that Lenan was not in the mess hall with the rest of her companions. He sat down to eat between Varric and Thom. Hawke was making an effort to be nice to Thom, since Lenan had explained why she saved him.  _Maybe I'll see what she sees in him,_ he thought.

Hawke looked out the window into the courtyard and he saw Lenan walking with Thain and the First Warden. She carried her small book that she usually took notes in and she was writing as she walked. It was like watching her at Skyhold. Hawke realized he hardly ever saw Lenan not working. It unnerved him. 

"She never stops. Makes ya' dizzy doesn't it?" asked Thom.

"You have no idea," replied Hawke. Hawke had been seated no more than five minutes when a messenger came and told him that the First Warden needed his presence. Hawke joined Lenan, Thain and the First Warden. He noticed her smile at him: all teeth. He spent all day with them. It seemed that the First Warden felt Thain should depart immediately so they were prioritizing what needed to be done first. Hawke suggested Thain make re-establishing Adamant as a Grey Warden command post a top priority. It was too valuable a stronghold to let go and the rest of them agreed. 

The four of them spoke all day. Hawke's eyes always found Lenan's. He realized they kept catching each other staring and then looking away.  _How much of our encounter does she remember? Does she remember anything at all?_ Hawke thought. He couldn't remember things being this way between the two of them; he was feeling anxious.

When they all agreed to end their discussion and meet again the following day, it was late afternoon. Thain and the First Warden left Hawke and Lenan in the courtyard. They were alone. Hawke felt his pulse quicken. 

"Well, that was boring," said Hawke. 

"That was constructive and  _necessary,_ " she chided. 

"Whatever you say. My ass hurts from sitting so long,"

"I'm sorry to hear about your ass. I'll see if I can get you a salve," 

"I don't want a salve! I have a better idea," 

"Whatever it is, it better not involve ale," 

"No, drinking is for later. I've been training here I'll have you know. It took forever before  _anyone_ showed up, I had to keep busy somehow. What do you say to a match in the ring?"

"That is a stupid idea. Why can't you just show me the library you've been talking about?"

"No, that's boring. Clearly, you don't want to lose to me," 

"Ugh! Fine! No magic then. I may or may not coat my weapons in poison," 

"Geez Quizzy, has poison always been your weapon of choice?"

"Only since it makes you squirm," And with that they headed to the training grounds. 

* * *

Hawke paced the sparring ring as he removed his coat; he wore only a thin white shirt. Lenan removed her coat and revealed she wore a dark green shirt underneath. Hawke took in her full form, nothing was hiding her curves now. 

_Why did I suggest this?_ he asked himself. He was never going to be able to focus. The ever eager Anthony appeared and handed Lenan two wooden daggers at her request. Anthony handed Hawke a large wooden sword. Lenan's eyes widened when she saw Hawke spin and swing the sword. He was sure she had never seen him with a sword and he never mentioned to her what he had been training with. Hawke was amused and smiled darkly at her. Lenan suddenly let her mouth fall open. 

"Scared I'll win?" Hawke teased. Lenan frowned and recovered herself. She stood straight and took on her fighting posture: sideways stance with her arms up guarding her face. She looked deadly. Hawke's body was on fire. He was excited. 

"Are you ready?" she asked. Hawke nodded and with that she charged. He had never actually trained with her and he realized he truly needed to focus. She was quick. The first to show up at the ring was Dorian and Bull. Bull's laugh echoed against the stone. 

"Look at her, Kadan! She's using the moves I showed her. I am so turned on right now!" roared Bull. 

"Ha! Thank you for that love. My dear; did you hear Bull? He has a proposition for you!" yelled Dorian. Soon, a large crowd surrounded the ring, and Varric was once again taking bets. Even Thom, who had been very quiet since they arrived, showed up shouting tips to Lenan. 

Lenan moved like a snake. She rolled on the ground and would make low swipes at Hawke's ankles. From the sound of Bull's cheers, that's what he had been teaching her. Hawke used his sword to block and swung at the ground to throw her off balance during one of her rolls.

She adapted. She simply somersaulted backwards and charged again. Hawke grinned. He was getting used to her fighting style. When she got close he sidestepped and swung his sword across her back. Lenan yelled a terrifying battle cry and glared at him. Hawke winked at her, then she smiled at him and charged.

Hawke was ready to sidestep again, but this time she rolled to the right and swiped his feet from under him. Hawke used his sword to hook her in and bring her down to the ground with him. Lenan gasped as she dropped her daggers. Hawke knew he was in danger; her hand to hand combat was just as deadly, he'd seen that before.

Hawke abandoned his sword and grasped her forearms and flipped her over on her back; he sat straddled on top of her. She was pinned. Lenan's chest was heaving. Having her underneath him, pinned down and staring up at him made him feel weak. Hawke began to harden as he remembered the last time he had her like this. They were naked and he had pounded into her relentlessly... 

Lenan must have sensed his distraction, Hawke's grip had loosened. The crowd was cheering for the Inquisitor to get up and she did. Suddenly, Lenan's legs wrapped around Hawke's hips.  _Oh Maker, I hope you can't feel that..._ he thought. Quick as a snake, she freed her arms and wrapped her arms around him to flip them both over. Somehow in the shuffle she had picked up a dagger from the ground. So had Hawke. Lenan sat on top of Hawke with the wooden dagger to his throat. 

"I win!" laughed Lenan. Hawke snickered as he jabbed her in the ribs with her other wooden dagger. 

"I think not, love," he said. Lenan pouted and the crowd erupted in cheers. She glared down at him.

She leaned down and whispered into his ear, "I'll have you next time," Hawke was definitely hard now. 

"Love, you can have me any which way you like," he said in a low, deep whisper. Lenan stared at him. Her lips parted and he felt as if she was staring into his soul.

She got up quietly, dropped the dagger and headed straight for Dorian. Dorian looked concerned. The man knew her well; whatever he saw in her made him shield her away from the crowd and he led her away.  _Ah, shit. I need to fix this,_ thought Hawke. 

Hawke got up and he saw Varric staring daggers at him. 


	7. I Can Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke has another heart-to-heart with Varric and the dwarf encourages Hawke to embrace his feelings.  
> Hawke doesn't quite get what he means but he will soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** I've been hinting at something big happening at Skyhold before Hawke left for Weisshaupt. Since this is Hawke's story I won't dive into that much here. That's Quizzy's story; just gotta wait!

After the sparring match with Lenan, Hawke left to go wash up. He figured he shouldn't be a sweaty mess when he went to apologize to her. By the time he was done it was dinner time. He was just about to head out when he heard a knock on his door.

Hawke opened his door and looked down to see Varric. Hawke sighed, he wasn't in the mood to be lectured by Varric. The day before Varric had warned him about hurting Lenan; something about the way he said things left Hawke feeling like he had been lectured by his father. 

"Hey kid. Mind if I come in?" asked Varric. Hawke said nothing and let him in. He closed the door behind the dwarf and sat down at his desk. Varric pulled up another chair and produced two bottles of wine. He placed them on the table. 

"One for you, and one for me!" he said. He uncorked them both and Hawke took one. He took a sip and sighed; it was delicious. 

"So kid, I owe you an apology. Not just about yesterday, but a lot of things... I was a little harsh yesterday-"

"No kidding, Varric," Hawke said softly. 

"I know, I know. Hear me out. After Adamant... hell, after what happened to Firecracker at Skyhold... she has got to be the most unlucky elf in all of Thedas. It's like she can't catch a break. I guess I've felt a little protective ever since. I didn't mean to be a dick, Hawke. Really," Varric took a sip out of his bottle and sighed. "So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about yesterday," 

Hawke punched Varric on the arm. It was his way of accepting the dwarf's apology. "I know what you mean Varric, just have some faith in me, yeah?" asked Hawke. 

"No problem kid. By the way, her Inquisitorialness mentioned you decided you were going to stay here at Weisshaupt. So, are you officially a loony?"

"What did we  _just_ say about faith?!" 

"C'mon, Hawke. You can come back to Skyhold, help us kill that bastard, and we will go back to Kirkwall. You have no reason to stay here," 

"No, Varric. This is the right thing to do. Trust me," Hawke said, taking another swig of his wine. 

"Okay, who are you and what have you done with my best friend?" Varric asked, poking Hawke in the chest. Hawke only laughed, shaking his head as he swatted Varric's prodding finger away. 

"Damn it Hawke. This is my fault. I'm the one that asked you to come to Skyhold in the first place. I dragged you into this mess. I'm sorry kid," Varric said woefully. 

"Hey, I wouldn't have left you alone to take all the glory. It's okay. Stop apologizing, you're getting all ooey gooey on me," They sat sipping their wine for a moment. Hawke started to kick at Varric's feet playfully. He had really missed being around him and traveling with him. Varric was a good man. 

"Varric, I have to go apologize to her," Hawke sighed. Varric took a big swig of his wine. He stared at Hawke for a moment; Hawke could see the wheels turning in his head. 

Varric nodded his head and said, "Okay kid. I'm going to help you out. I'm going to say this only once: You're in love with her,"

"Wait, what?" Hawke asked incredulously.

"Yeah, like I said; only once. Think on that when you go apologize to her,"  _What the actual fuck?_ Hawke thought. Varric had an uncanny ability of being right  _all the time._ Now Hawke felt nervous. 

"I'll tell you where she is. She told me not to tell anyone, but I'm telling you because I care about you," Varric said. In an attempt to shake off his nervousness, Hawke playfully kicked Varric once more and smiled. 

"She's out in the gardens," 

"What gardens?"  _There is no garden here, is there?_ Hawke asked himself. 

"Are you serious? Have you been in a drunken stupor this whole time? Its out past the training grounds. Seriously kid, you can't miss it," They finished their wine and Hawke got up and patted Varric's shoulder. 

"Thanks Varric," 

"Yeah, yeah. I expect to see you  _both_ at dinner," and with that Hawke left to go find this mysterious garden. 

* * *

Hawke followed Varric's directions. Sure enough, as Hawke walked past the training grounds there was a path that led to a large garden.  _Okay... how did I miss this?_ wondered Hawke.

There was a large stone archway that had vines growing all around it. Neat hedges created a fence around the garden. Trees had been planted an equal distance apart from each other and formed a semi-circle around a statue of Andraste. Hawke saw some desert plants and some beautiful blue mountain flowers he didn't know the name of. Torches of veil fire cast a blueish tint on everything. He saw why Lenan chose this place to escape; it felt like a different world. 

Hawke saw Lenan sitting on a bench close to the statue of Andraste. He slowly walked up to her. As he got close he saw that she was hugging her knees to her chest and her head was down. She peeked up at him and said nothing. Hawke moved in front of her and knelt down, she watched his movements in silence.

He placed his hands on her knees and said, "Lenan, listen. I am not sure what happened earlier but I'm sorry. I'm not here to upset you. Just tell me what you need," Lenan continued to stare at him for a moment. Hawke removed his hands from her knees as she placed her feet on the ground and scooted over on the bench. 

"Don't apologize," she murmured as she patted the bench to the left of her. Hawke took a seat. "I'm sorry Hawke. I've been very emotional lately. You didn't really do anything. I just- I don't really know," she admitted.

She grabbed Hawke's right hand and he inhaled sharply. She flipped his hand over and began tracing the lines in his palm. It caused goosebumps to erupt all over his body. Hawke hated his bodily reactions.  _How old are you, Hawke? 16?_ he thought. 

"We haven't been able to speak much since I arrived. How are you Hawke?" she asked. He got the sense that she was trying to divert attention away from herself. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of her fingers on his palm. 

"The truth? Not good. I don't know Lenan. I spent a long time believing that I had found love, like actual love. I've been questioning that ever since I got that agent's letter. It makes me wonder if I've ever really fallen in love or been loved," whispered Hawke. Lenan squeezed his hand. 

"Garrett..." she whispered. Hawke got up, his emotions suddenly boiled over. He began pacing back and forth. 

"We didn't have a conventional relationship, I get it. But we've been together for years! I thought I was part of her life!" he was yelling now. 

"Garrett..." 

"What did any of it mean? Just cut me off because our relationship isn't convenient any more? Offer me a bed when I'm in town I guess... Forget it. I need to get over it. It's nothing." 

"Garrett," Lenan said firmly. She got up and stood in his path.  _She never calls me Garrett,_ he thought. It sounded so intimate; personal.

She placed both her hands on his chest to halt him from walking past her. "You have every right to be upset. Only you know how you feel. You can't squash your emotions, they always find a way back to the surface. I would know," Hawke stared at her in wonderment; her eyes pulling him in. 

"Heartbreak is new to you, isn't it? Just as it is to me," she said. Hawke nodded. "I don't know what to do with this pain either. It's like I have no control over how I react. But I let it happen. I let it wash over me. How will we grow if we don't?" she asked. 

"Your heartache?" Hawke asked as he cupped the hands on his chest. He knew what she was talking about, but he knew she needed to speak about it. 

"Solas... Garrett, he warned me in the very beginning. He told me that we could never be. But I pressed on; love was new to me. I thought I could change his mind. I  _still_ do. When he ended it I blamed myself and my past. But I know he still cares. I'm confused, I'm hurt, but I don't think that love is simple," she whispered. She clung to his shirt, her hands balling into fists.

"Sometimes we love someone and we don't understand why," she said softly, as if to herself. 

Hawke's head was spinning. He wanted to absorb her and never let go. Her hands reached up, as if to grab his face. Then, it was like she thought better of it and she tried to withdraw herself. 

"No, it's okay," he said. He grabbed her hands and brought them back up. Eyes wide, she stared up at him as she reached up and caressed his beard and explored his jawline.  _She remembers..._ he thought. Was she exploring what she felt and had done during their encounter in the Fade?

Hawke was too eager. He remembered the gesture and how it made him feel. The ache in his chest became unbearable. Hawke took her left hand and moved it through his beard and across his lips. He kissed her fingertips one by one. Desire pulsed through his body as he inhaled her scent. Lenan inhaled deeply; her eyes filled with tears as she buried her face in his chest. She wrapped her arms around him and wept. 

 _She isn't ready yet,_ he thought. He placed his hands at her waist and pulled her flush against him and he held her. He kissed the top of her head. 

 _I love her. Maker damn you, Varric,_ he thought.

He let the revelation pour over him. He didn't need to understand the reason why he loved her just now because she was right; sometimes you just don't know why.  _I want her love, I want her trust, I want her loyalty,_ he thought. As he ran his fingers along the lines of her face, he realized she wasn't pulling away, she stayed. He would have to earn her love, trust, and loyalty. He knew that they didn't really know each other that well, it only felt like they did.

Hawke was going to fix that, he could be patient.  _I can wait_ , that thought brought him peace like he had never known. Hawke wasn't a fool; he knew he needed time too. He needed closure and he still had things in his life he needed to fix.  _I can be patient, I can wait._ She let him caress her ears, her neck, her back... she held on to him tight; she felt safe to him, she felt like home. 

They stayed like that for what seemed like forever until Hawke heard her stomach growl; neither of them had eaten at all that day. Hawke laughed. He pulled back a little and reached up to wipe the tears from her face. 

"Come on now, Quizzy, can't let everyone think I made you upset and cry. Let's go get some food, your stomach said so," 

"Whatever," she snorted as she smoothed her hair down and straightened up. 

"You look fine. Lets go get shit faced," he said. 

She and Hawke walked back to the mess hall chatting lightly. They spoke of how much money Varric won from taking bets on their sparring match. As they entered the mess hall together they grabbed food and sat down at the table where Varric, Bull, Dorian and Thom sat. She whispered in Hawke's ear about challenging Varric to a game of Wicked Grace to get his winnings. Hawke laughed as she told him how she was going to cheat. He looked up as he felt eyes on him and caught Varric's gaze.

Varric smiled triumphantly at him. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a side note: I don't really like how Isabela is painted as a slut all the time, even though that's kinda what Bioware opened her character up for. I've tried to stay away from that and instead embrace a different kind of relationship between Isabela and Hawke, as evidenced in previous chapters.


	8. Unholy Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke gets an early morning visit from Varric, writes some very unholy letters, spends more time with Quizzy, and they agree to share custody of a Raven.  
> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. Lots of fun dialogue that I hope you all enjoy. Let me know what you think!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo... I lied. I did't get the smut out of my system. Just a smidgen of smut, nothing like Part 1 of this series. If you're not here for smut, skim past this first part of the chapter ;)

After dinner, Hawke and Lenan engaged Varric in a game of Wicked Grace. The rest of her companions joined, as did the Wardens Anthony and Frederick. At the end of the night, they all lost coin to Varric. 

"C'mon, Firecracker. You're a terrible cheat! Stop pouting like that," Varric said to Lenan. Lenan was indeed pouting and leaning heavily on Dorian. She looked exhausted. 

"I'm just tired. I'll cheat better next time," she said to Varric. 

"That's very comforting to hear, thanks for that," said Varric, his eyes narrowing in her direction. 

They all parted ways. Hawke noticed that as Lenan got up, she grabbed Dorian's hand and they set off towards her room. If Hawke didn't know for a fact that Dorian  _only_ preferred men, he would have been outrageously jealous. Hawke got to his room and he was totally spent, both physically and emotionally. He saw Reginald was still in his room, he had stolen one of Hawke's shirts and was using it to rest on. Hawke made a mental note to get his raven its own cage.

"Night Reg," said Hawke. Reginald opened one eye in acknowledgment then fell back to sleep. Hawke dived into bed and fell asleep almost instantly. 

* * *

 

He opened his eyes and he was in the First Warden's study. "Oh for fuck's sake. I literally  _just_ want to sleep!" he screamed. This was one night that Hawke really did not want to dream. Just as he was going to wake himself up and try again, he heard a voice. 

"Garrett?" It sounded like Lenan, but her voice was off. He looked around the study and found nothing. Suddenly, he felt a presence behind him and he looked back towards the Griffon table. There lie Lenan on the table. 

_Its not her,_ he thought. He knew the difference: the edges around the figure were blurred.  _A spirit,_ he sighed and felt a great sadness. The spirit looked at him and frowned. 

"Don't be sad. This is why I'm here," said the spirit. The spirit was dressed in the same nightgown that he had seen Lenan wear in the Fade all those nights ago. The spirit removed it's nightgown. "Isn't this what you wanted? Me on this table?" she asked.

Hawke took in the spirit's representation of Lenan and he was impressed; it looked just like her. Desire pulsed through his body. He had spent all day with Lenan, had her body against his and had not given into his urges. He was utterly exhausted and in need... as evidenced by this spirit. It had been attracted to his desire and longing and took the shape of the woman he wanted most. 

Hawke gave in. He approached the spirit and reached up to cup her face. Spirits felt solid enough. She smiled up at him: all teeth; his favorite. He had no intentions of dragging this out; it wasn't really her. She kissed him fiercely and he couldn't help but moan. He grabbed her breasts and pinched her nipples. He laid her flat on the table and took a nipple in his mouth. All he wanted was to feel the weight of her breasts, take in the shape... She moaned and massaged his head. 

"Yes, harder," she said. Hawke bit her nipple then moved to the next. Her moans and pleas mirrored Lenan's voice perfectly. She opened her legs wider and hinged her hips up.

"Take me," she whispered. Hawke remembered then what he wanted to do to Lenan here...

"Bend over the table," he ordered.

She did as he asked. Hawke took in her backside, desperately wishing this really was Lenan. He guided his now hard cock to her entrance and grabbed her long curls up in one hand. The other hand he placed on her bottom as he began to pound into her.  _No point in being gentle,_ _no point in going slow. It's not her,_ he lamented.

He pounded into her as hard as he could. She pleaded with him and moaned; clawing the sides of the table. Even if it wasn't Lenan, this was still a sight to behold; the long angles of her body, her bottom flush up against him... He pulled her up to him. He bit into her shoulder, moaning and calling out her name; he couldn't help it now. He took his final thrusts into her and found release. He let out a low growl, and held onto her until he caught his breath. 

Hawke instantly wanted to get away. He withdrew and the spirit stared at him with a hurt expression on her face. Hawke willed himself away from the study, he wanted to get as far away from the spirit as possible. Hawke spent the rest of the night wandering the Fade. He remembered nothing else of that night. 

* * *

Hawke woke up the next morning, trying to fight his sadness. He tried hard to focus on what the day would bring. He was certain that the First Warden would send Anthony to collect him soon enough. As he got dressed, Hawke thought of two letters he really needed to write; he had been planning it out for days. Just then, his door opened and he noticed that there was no courtesy knock. It was Varric. 

"Good morning, Chuckles!" Varric greeted. He took a seat at Hawke's desk. 

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your presence?" Hawke asked as he walked over to the door and closed it. 

"Well, you conveniently avoided me last night. Did you think you could get away with not telling me what happened?" 

"What? We all lost coin last night!" Hawke continued to avoid what Varric was really getting at. Hawke grabbed parchment and sat down next to Varric. He still had to write these letters before the First Warden called on him. 

"You and Firecracker... Your undying love for her? You came to dinner smiling like an idiot," said Varric. 

" _I'll_ _only say this once,"_ Hawke began, imitating Varric's tone with him last night "You were right; I'm in love with her. She isn't ready for anything more than what we are right now. I'll wait for her," 

"Andraste's tits, what did you just say? Hawke, I could kiss you,"

"Please don't, I'm saving myself for someone else," Hawke said as he started his first letter. 

"Really though, who  _are_ you? Have you been possessed by some spirit? A demon, maybe?" Varric asked. 

"Speaking of possession and spirits, I'm writing to Anders. I need him to come as soon as possible, how should I start this?"

"BLONDIE?! What the fuck, Hawke? Please, enlighten me; why do you need Anders?" Varric was now very red in the face.

Hawke filled Varric in as to why he was writing to Anders. Varric's expression went from incredulous to thoughtful. When Hawke finished his explanation, Varric opened his mouth to speak but a knock sounded at the door.  _It seems someone remembered their manners,_ Hawke thought.

"Come in," Hawke called out. The door opened and Lenan entered. She looked a little surprised to see Varric already in the room. She blushed. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I can come back later," she said. 

"Oh, no, no, no! Come on in, Firecracker! I was just getting ready to leave," Varric said as he got up and offered Lenan his seat. 

"Oh you were, were you?" Hawke asked Varric.

Hawke knew exactly what Varric was trying to do. His eyes narrowed as Varric winked at him, literally gave him the thumbs up, and left the room. Now that Varric was gone, Hawke stared at Lenan. Her hair was braided to the side and it hung down over her right shoulder. She wore a tan tunic with black leathers. _S_ _he can wear anything and look good,_ he thought. Lenan was looking around the room when her gaze fell on Reginald. 

"Oh! There's my raven. He's been staying in here?" she asked, looking at Hawke.

"Oh, that's Reginald,"

"Reg- you named my raven Reginald?"

"I thought that he was from Nightingale?" asked Hawke.

"She gifted him to me,"

"Well, I named  _my_ raven Reginald," Hawke continued to write his letter. 

"He's mine," Hawke didn't have to look at Lenan to know that she was giving him a death stare. 

"Looks like he's  _ours_ ," Hawke said darkly, glancing up at her. Lenan sucked in her lips and walked over to his bed. She took off her boots and sat down cross-legged. Hawke finished up his letter to Anders. He then grabbed another sheet of parchment to begin writing his second letter. 

"Who are you writing to?" Lenan asked softly. Hawke paused as he glanced over at her. She seemed different; much more relaxed. He decided to just be honest with her.

Hawke pointed at the finished letter and said, "This is to Anders. This one I'm writing is to Isabela," Hawke noticed Lenan stopped breathing. 

"I'm sorry. Did you just say you're writing Anders?" She sounded like someone stabbed her. Hawke chuckled; her reaction was the same as Varric's. 

"Yup,"

"Um, wait. Can we back up? You're writing to the man who blew up a Chantry building?" 

"I'm writing to the man who is a Grey Warden and actually heard Corypheus in his head, yes," replied Hawke, he turned to her and let the seriousness of his expression sink in. Lenan simply blinked, eyes wide, and nodded.

Hawke looked back down to finish writing. "If I'm going to stick around to help with a Warden problem, I better find a Grey Warden to help. He may have left the Wardens but the man knows a lot. Besides, its about time he stopped _hiding_ and started  _helping_ clean up the mess he started," 

"What do you think the First Warden will say?"

"I've already told him. Couldn't read his expression through that mustache, so I took it as an  _okay,"_

"Mmm... he does have a very large mustache, okay... and what about the other letter?" she asked, it appeared she was full of questions today. Hawke found he really had nothing to hide from this woman. He thought back to the night before when he vowed to earn her trust,  _I want her to know me,_ he thought. 

"To Isabela? I'm calling her out. I want her to answer for her actions. Something tells me she will actually respond to this, she never did like being called out,"

"Will that help you now?"

"I don't know, but it's a start, right?" Just then Hawke finished his letter and looked at Lenan. She had her head tilted, staring wide eyed still. 

"I think this is good for you," she declared, nodding slowly.  _You're good for me_ , he thought. Lenan laid down on her side and she propped herself up with her elbow. "So, we are sharing Evunial?" she asked. 

"What are we doing?"  _What the fuck did she just say?_ Hawke had no idea what that word was. 

"My raven, Evunial?"

" _Our_ raven... and his name is Reginald. He can be Reginald when he's with me and whatever you just said when he's with you," Reginald squawked. Lenan groaned.

"Ugh! There is no point in arguing with you is there?" 

"Nope!" Hawke exclaimed with a smile. "Come on Quizzy, come with me to send these unholy letters," Lenan got up and put her boots back on and they set off.

They went to the aviary to send out the messages. Once done, they left the room meaning to go to the mess hall. Suddenly, Lenan grabbed Hawke's hand and yanked him to the side and down the opposite direction of the mess hall. She pushed him up against the wall and pressed herself to him. Hawke placed his hands up in the air, as if in surrender. 

"Whoa there Quizzy, normally I wouldn't protest-"

Lenan pressed her hand over his mouth, leaned in close and said, "Shhhh... I saw the recruit Anthony, he's coming for us," 

"Oooo, look at you abandoning your responsibilities," he murmured. Lenan blinked quickly... 

"You're right," she said with a sigh as she stepped back and away from him. Hawke immediately regretted his words, he reached for her. 

"Wait, hold on. I'm all for running away together," Too late. Anthony spotted her and called out to the two of them. Hawke rolled his eyes and she winked at him. 

* * *

Apparently, the First Warden didn't account for their need to eat. Once again, they both spent the entire day with the very serious mustache. It had been decided that Thain would not go to Skyhold and instead head straight for Adamant first. Commander Curly would be meeting Thain at the ancient fortress. They spent the rest of the day discussing future meetings at Weisshaupt. It seemed the First Warden wanted to ensure a definitive exit plan of the Wardens from the Inquisition.

By the end of the day, they were both exhausted. Hawke's head was pounding. The light was beginning to hurt. Lenan, Maker bless her, asked the First Warden if she and Hawke could eat before meeting with him the next day and he agreed; apologizing for forgetting their most basic needs. 

Hawke hurriedly ate food in the mess hall and departed straight for his room; Lenan and Varric looked at Hawke with concern. Once in his room, Hawke curled up in his bed. He hated these head pains; he was getting them more frequently now. He retreated under his blankets as he heard the door to his room open and then close. 

"Hawke?" it was Lenan. Hawke only groaned. "Can I help you? I can help soothe it, remember?" she whispered. He remembered. She had helped him twice before; once in Crestwood and then again at Skyhold after their return from Adamant. 

"Yes, please," he whispered.

Lenan took her boots off and sat at the head of his bed. Hawke laid on her lap and gazed up at her. Lenan's fingertips lit up and turned bright blue; ice magic. She placed them at his temples and started to rub soothing circles. Hawke didn't know where she learned this; he only recognized that it was a mixture of ice magic and healing magic. It felt amazing. Hawke moaned, his body relaxed and he closed his eyes. 

"Lenan, promise me something," he mumbled. 

"Anything," she whispered back. 

"Don't leave, you always leave," each time she had done this, Hawke had fallen asleep and each time she had left him alone. 

"You want me to stay here? Sleep here?" she sounded shocked. 

"Yeah, sure..." and with that, Hawke fell asleep. The last thing he remembered was hoping she would stay. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evunial = Elvhen for hidden moon. Credits to FenxShiral


	9. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke finds that he gets to spend a whole day with the Inquisitor alone. He opens up about Anders, makes her promise some things, and finds that they've both blurred the lines of friendship.
> 
> This chapter has all of the fluff; it makes me happy :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are about to get complicated for Hawke and Quizzy. In this story, this is a very different kind of relationship for Hawke; he's never committed to waiting and taking his time.  
> More adulting for Hawke :)

Hawke woke up to something touching his hands. Eyes still closed, he realized he was laying on his side under his blanket. There was another body flush against him. His eyes shot open, his heart racing.

Lenan was under the blanket with him and she was awake. She had her back up against him and she had one of his hands in hers. She was tracing the lines in his palm once more. Hawke felt a surge of happiness and desire; she felt amazing. Her touch made him tingle. 

"You stayed," he whispered. Lenan stopped massaging his palm and turned over to lay on her back. She laid back with her left arm over her head; relaxed. 

"You asked me to promise to stay; I couldn't break a promise now, could I?" she asked, teasingly. 

"Mmm," Hawke didn't dream she would actually stay. Now, she was in  _his_ bed under  _his_ blanket.  _Maker, I want this woman,_ he thought. He wanted to stroke her face.

Hesitantly, he reached for her face. With the back of his palm, he traced the contours of her cheeks. He traced his way back up her face and used his fingertips to stroke her ears. She was so close to him, he could hear her breathe quicker. Hawke used the same hand to reach up and grasp her hand that lay above her head. He opened up her palm, and traced the the outlines of the Mark on her hand; he realized the Mark had it's own pulse. His hand began to ghost down her arm. Hawke reached her side and then he stopped. 

"Is this okay?" he asked in a whisper. 

"Yes," she whispered back. Hawke could barely hear her. He continued. He let his fingers run down the left side of her ribs, then down past her hips. He trailed down her leg. He stopped at her calf and rubbed circles with his thumb. 

"You snore in your sleep," she said quietly. Hawke stared into her eyes adoringly. 

"Oh, do I? Look there; is that drool on your pillow?" he teased. Lenan playfully smacked Hawke in the face with her left hand. 

"I do  _not_ drool!" she smiled up at him and her expression turned thoughtful. "Honestly, I can't remember the last time I slept like that. It was a deep, deep sleep," she admitted. 

"Must've been my snoring," he laughed at her expression. Hawke knew he could wait for her, but he was still a man; if he didn't stop now, he would screw everything up. He patted her calf and he sat up. It was as if she was frozen; she didn't move whatsoever. She stared up at him, her eyes boring into his.

"Thank you for staying," he said.

"Yes. I mean, you're welcome," she said. Hawke really needed to get out of this bed. He got up out of the bed and so did Lenan. She stood close to him, still staring. He could not begin to understand the look in her eyes. "I'm... going to bathe. See you at breakfast," and with that, Lenan left. 

Hawke sighed.  _That felt incredible,_ he thought. He felt so content. He knew he couldn't push her; she needed to make peace and come to terms with what she was feeling. She needed to be the one to make a choice. He was trying his best to not make things harder on her;  _well then, what was that all about, Hawke?_ he thought. Hawke couldn't help how he felt, he loved her. Hawke sighed again as he bathed and got dressed for the day. 

* * *

Hawke walked into the mess hall in a daze. Varric immediately took notice. Varric walked up to Hawke after he grabbed food from the cook and steered him to an empty table. 

"Wow, Chuckles. Look at you! Are you even really here?" Varric asked. 

"What? No... I mean, yes. I'm fine. Are you asking me a question?" Hawke was confused; his focus was on Lenan as she sat at another table and conversed with Thom. Lenan wore her curls half up and half down. She wore a deep green tunic with black leathers...  Varric pinched Hawke's cheek. "Ouch! What was that for?" Hawke yelled. 

"Oh boy, what am I going to do with you? Can I ask what happened last night?" Varric asked in a low voice. 

"She stayed in my room last night. She did that thing she does for the head pains..." Hawke rubbed his own temples with his fingertips. 

"Is that really all you're going to tell me?"

"That's really all that happened. Damn it, Varric. You really have no faith in me,"

"No, you're wrong. I have way more faith in you than you can imagine, Chuckles. I can't wait to see where this goes, this completely changes my book," Varric mused. 

"Varric... you are _not_ writing a book about this," Hawke said darkly. 

"Varric is writing another book?" It was Dorian; he had sauntered over to them. 

"No, he  _isn't,_ " Hawke said. 

"Yes, I am! And you won't believe the new twist that just developed!" Varric said to Dorian triumphantly. 

"Oh, you mean the way the Champion looks at our Herald with big, dreamy, puppy dog eyes?" Dorian added conspiratorially. 

"Okay, I'm out. I'll let you two edit the book together," said Hawke.

He waved at the two men and walked over to Thom and Lenan. "Hey Quizzy. Should we beat Anthony to the punch and go find the First Warden ourselves?" Lenan looked up at Hawke and nodded. She got up and patted Thom's shoulder. 

"We'll talk later Thom," she said. 

"Thank you my Lady," Thom said as he nodded. Hawke and Lenan walked out together and headed to the First Warden's study. 

"What was that about with Thom?" Hawke asked finally. The way Thom looked at Lenan didn't escape Hawke's attention... it made Hawke jealous. Hawke got a feeling he would be feeling that way a lot. 

"Before Thain left, he spoke to Thom. Thain wants Thom to become a Grey Warden. I told him he should do it; I think it would be good for him. He finally agreed. He will go through the Joining when we've finished with Corypheus," She said. 

"Hmmm, interesting. What an odd man..." he said.

Lenan said nothing as she seemed lost in thought. Hawke didn't push the issue; he knew that Lenan sympathized with Thom quite a bit. They arrived at the First Warden's study and the First Warden gave them the best news they had received in days; the First Warden told them he would like to meet with them the following day, he had a meeting with his advisers as he had to find a replacement for Thain. Hawke and Lenan walked out of the First Warden's study and out into the courtyard. The air was cool and for the first time the courtyard was peaceful as opposed to ominous. 

"So, Quizzy. Wanna do the whole running away thing we talked about yesterday?" asked Hawke as he wiggled his eyebrows. Lenan rolled her eyes at him, her hands on her hips. 

"You know what? Yes, I do. Lead the way, Champion," she said as she extended her hand to him. Hawke smiled at her hugely as he took her hand without hesitation and led her away. 

* * *

Hawke wanted to escape to the gardens. Something about the gardens made him feel like he wasn't really at Weisshaupt and somewhere less oppressive. Before they went to the gardens, Lenan insisted on stopping by the kitchens first. 

"I want to steal something," she announced. Before Hawke could question her, she disappeared into the shadows. When she came back to him she was carrying wine, an enormous wheel of cheese, and cold cuts. 

"You stole from the dear little Grey Warden cooks?" Hawke asked in mock anger. He wasn't angry; he actually thought it was hilarious. 

"I didn't really  _steal_ ; I just asked but didn't wait for an answer. Come on, let's go before someone decides they need us," she sang. And with that they headed for the gardens.

Lenan was literally  _skipping_ ; she looked care-free and happy. She chose a spot among the blue mountain flowers and plopped down. Hawke sat down next to her and uncorked the wine. Lenan produced a knife from within her boot; she kept knives everywhere. She cut the cheese in smaller wedges so they could snack on it. They sat in silence for a moment as they took their first sips of the wine. 

"So, I know we talked about this yesterday but I have to bring it up again. When I get back to Skyhold, my advisers, Josie in particular, will wonder why I left the Champion of Kirkwall in Weisshaupt with the man that blew up a Chantry building and left a giant mess in Kirkwall," Lenan said casually as she bit into a wedge of cheese. Hawke sighed. He knew he would have to explain this eventually. 

"Lenan, do you know that Anders asked me to kill him after he set off that explosion?" he asked. Lenan shook her head, her expression serious.

"I couldn't do it. I didn't agree with his methods but what was happening to the mages in Kirkwall... Anders has a good heart; he could have been a good leader and he could have brought about actual change. He let Justice take over and... boy, did it fuck up his life. He needs to face the damage he's done. He's not welcome in Kirkwall and he's been in hiding for years but, I could really use his help. I spoke to the First Warden before you got here; I think there has to be a different way of becoming a Grey Warden without drinking the blood of an Archdemon," 

Hawke took another big sip of wine before he continued, "Like I said before; Anders heard Corypheus in his head before Justice took over so he wouldn't have to hear him anymore. I know the experience wasn't a picnic in the park for him. He was a Grey Warden, I think he will sympathize with them once he learns of the false Calling all the Wardens heard in the South. If anything, maybe this will give him a purpose; a reason to move on," Hawke stuffed a wedge of cheese in his mouth and looked at Lenan. She was staring at him, searching his face. 

"Hawke, you're incredible. I really wish you would come back with me to Skyhold. I see why Cassandra wanted you to be the Inquisitor," she said as she twirled a strand of hair in her fingers. 

"HA! Trust me when I say I would have been a terrible choice. I would never have agreed and she probably would have killed me," he answered. " _She might actually fix Blondie's mess,_ " Hawke said, imitating Varric's voice as he poked Lenan in the ribs. "I think he was right about you," 

"Garrett... I... Thank you. Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing and so many people look to me for answers. Me! An elf  _and_ a former slave..." she threw up her hands in exasperation. 

"Stop, that has nothing to do with who you are and what you do," Hawke seethed. _What did her being an elf or a former slave have to do with anything_? he thought. To him, none of those things mattered; in reality that is all many people saw when they looked at her.

Lenan stared at him as if she was trying to figure something out; it was as if she was searching for answers to questions she had yet to ask. Lenan got up to kneel before him. Hawke stared at her in shock and anticipation;  _What is she going to do?_

Lenan grabbed Hawke's face and tilted it up towards her. She looked into his eyes as she ran her hands through his beard. Hawke lost himself in her gaze. Again, he became too eager; he took one of her hands and brought it to his lips. He kissed her fingers; this time she didn't pull away.

She gave him her other hand and he kissed her other fingers. She then ran her fingers across his lips.  _Kiss her,_ he thought. Hawke was prepared to kiss her; he couldn't take this anymore. Before he could kiss her, Lenan grabbed his face and pressed him to her chest; she held him as she rubbed the back of his head. 

They stayed like that for a moment, and Hawke was okay with it. He was able to run his hands up her back and run his fingers through her hair. He let his thoughts wander and he thought about the future. All he knew was that she had to be in it. Hawke thought back to a conversation he had with Varric a few days ago. They discussed the work that needed to be done in Kirkwall and what they planned on doing when they returned to the most unlucky city in all of Thedas. Suddenly, he had a revelation. 

Hawke pulled himself away from Lenan's chest so he could look up at her; Hawke almost laughed. For a brief moment he saw that same flash of irritation that she had shown during their night in the Fade together.  _Except this time, I'm not licking or sucking on her,_ Hawke thought. 

"Hey Quizzy, can you promise me something else?" he asked as he grabbed her hands. 

"Of course," she said. She still looked a little irritated...

"When this is all over; when Corypheus is dead-" 

" _If_ I can kill Corypheus," she said darkly. 

" _When_ you kill Corypheus, I want you to come to Kirkwall with me. It's a shit hole for sure, but its  _my_ shit hole. You can meet my brother and sister; although Carver might ask to marry you. There is a lot of work to be done and if the Inquisitor came it would boost morale... I'd like it if you'd come. Even just for a little while. What do you say?" he asked.  _Please say yes..._

"Garrett Hawke, I promise to come to Kirkwall when this is all over," she said with a huge smile: all teeth. Hawke felt like he was going to burst; he got on his knees, grabbed her face and pressed his forehead to hers. 

"That's my girl," he said, and he kissed her forehead.  _What the fuck compelled you to say that?!_ he asked himself. He was having a hard time filtering his thoughts and actions.

"Only on one condition..." she countered, pulling back to look at him again. 

"Name it,"

"You have to promise to come back to Skyhold. I've never had a permanent home. Skyhold is my home now. I have a feeling that once this is all over I won't be able to just stop being Inquisitor. It would be nice if you came and kept me company, even if its just for a bit" Lenan looked so ashamed as she said this. Hawke wouldn't stand for that.

He kissed her forehead and then daringly kissed her cheek. "You just say the word and I'm there. I just have to make sure Anders doesn't blow up Weisshaupt before I leave; I hope you understand,"

Lenan threw her head back with laughter and shook her head at him. "Sure. Whatever you say Hawke," 

Hawke felt happy; content. Whatever this was, whatever they had; he didn't want to put a label or name to it. It would ruin everything.  _I'm fine with this. I can wait,_ he reminded himself once more. With their promises made, Hawke laid down on his back among the flowers and he dragged Lenan down with him. Lenan laid her head on his chest and eventually fell asleep.

For the first time ever, he saw her face free of worry or exhaustion; she was serene. Hawke didn't dare wake her up, he knew their time together was running out. Soon she would go back to Skyhold and he would be left at Weisshaupt awaiting Blondie's arrival. For reasons unknown to him; Hawke knew Anders would come. 

Hawke took in the mountain air, the flowers, and the unexpected peace. He let himself get lost in the feelings he held for the woman beside him. He held her close as he too drifted off to sleep. 

 


	10. I Hate Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time for Quizzy and the gang to leave and Hawke tries to enjoy his last few days with Lenan before she leaves. Lenan asks Hawke to promise her one last thing; he agrees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really hard for me to write. I went through several different versions of this. I didn't want to end this story, but ultimately Hawke and Quizzy's story will have to end in Quizzy's story which will be in a different series. For those who have stuck around and read this whole series; thanks for putting up with the 'new writers' mistakes :)

When Hawke woke next it must have been midday. He was still in the gardens but he felt like he was missing something. He realized that Lenan wasn't lying on his chest any more. He opened his eyes and saw her sitting up next to him. Her hair was all the way down now and she was staring off into the distance. She began to braid her hair.

Hawke realized something then; she hardly slept. It appeared that when she did sleep it was for very brief periods of time. Hawke pulled on her elbow to grab her attention. 

"Hey, come back here. No one needs us right now," he said, with just a hint of irritation.  _She's finally here with me; I'm getting more than I ever thought I would get,_ he thought. Hawke reached up and grabbed her hands and removed them from their work. He quickly undid her braid and promptly fluffed out her hair.

She huffed out in irritation; before she could complain Hawke cut in, "I like it when your hair is down, leave it," he said as he rubbed the back of her head. She closed her eyes at his touch. When she opened them she looked to him and her eyes were once again filled with sadness.

"What's wrong? Did I do something?" he asked as he stopped caressing her. 

"No, I-, I don't know. It's okay Hawke," she said as she brought his hand back up. He continued his caress but she didn't lay back down with him. "We should head back," she said. She sounded like she was far away; certainly her mind was. 

"Why? And go where?" he asked as he sat up. "There is nothing you  _need_ to do. This is what  _relaxing_ feels like. Laying down in the sun and drinking stolen wine," Hawke picked up the wine bottle and handed it to her.

She finally smiled at him, but he could still see the reservation in her eyes. Hawke felt bereft. He finally got her guard down and he could already see she was building her walls up again.  _Gain her trust,_ he reminded himself. He reminded himself that they hadn't known each other for a long time; it only felt like they had. A war raged in Hawke's heart; he wanted to keep her here with him, hidden in the garden. But, he could also see she had grown tense and her eyes flitted around the garden. It was as if she was suspicious of the quiet.

Hawke took in a deep breath and did the opposite of what he really wanted to do. "Hey, lets go to the library. There's a collection about Griffons that I was thinking of borrowing on a permanent basis," 

"Are you asking for my help in  _borrowing_ this collection?" she asked. Her eyes lit up and it made Hawke smile. 

"No, of course not. You just need to keep a look out!" and with that they set off for the library.

As they got up, Hawke extended his hand to Lenan. Touching her felt more casual now and he hoped they could maintain that. Lenan stared at his outstretched hand for just a moment; her eyes were filled with indecision. Before Hawke gave up on the gesture, Lenan laced her fingers through his and leaned on him heavily. He looked down at her and took in her long curls that reached the small of her back. Hawke turned to face her for a moment. He ran his fingers through her hair and stared into her eyes; there was a whole other world that lay behind them. He stared for a moment and lost himself there, not caring if he ever found a way out. Then, he kissed the top of her head, reclaimed her hand and led her away. 

* * *

Once in the library, Hawke felt Lenan get excited. It was as if her body was buzzing. 

"Hawke, how come you never brought me here?" she asked scoldingly. "It's huge! Hawke!" she was yelling now. She turned to face him, got on the tips of her toes, and looked him in the eye; there was nothing but pure excitement. "This place has to contain hundreds of years of knowledge," 

"Mmmhmm," Hawke raised his eyebrows at her. 

"Dorian told me there is an extensive record of Tevinter magic here; you might be able to find some answers!"

"Mmmhmm," he said again. 

" _Hawke!_ This is important," 

"Yes, I know. Why do you think I asked Anders to come? How am I supposed to sit here and read through this crap?" he said gesturing to the vastness of the library, their voices echoed off of the walls.

"Hawke!" she was irritated now, he found it adorable. He pinched her cheek.

She punched him and threw her hands up in the air; they fell down at her sides with a loud thump. "You're quite the accomplished mage all on your own. Give yourself some credit," 

"Oh, thank you for the compliment Quizzy," he said as he squeezed her face in his hands. "I still refuse to read any of this," he said as he mustered up his most charming smile.

Lenan's face got red as she puffed up her cheeks. "You're an insufferable idiot," 

"Love you too," he said with a wink. Hawke saw her mouth twitch, fighting a smile as she walked off on her own to browse the library. As he watched her walk away, Hawke felt a presence appear at his side. 

"You know, she might kill you if you're not careful," it was Dorian. 

"Ah, Sparkles! What brings you here? Oh yes, you love ancient history!" Hawke said. Dorian reached up and began twirling his mustache. 

"Oh, I see! She got that from you. My, my, my... You're rubbing off on her in all  _sorts of ways_ ," Dorian said. Just then Lenan flitted by; she already had a stack of books in her hands. As she walked away again, she stared straight ahead, still feigning anger. 

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Dorian said woefully as he watched her march off. "I do rather like watching her walk away, such a marvelous sight,"

Dorian looked back at Hawke and said, "Pity,"

"Pity for you maybe," Hawke said darkly. "Really, what brings you here Dorian?"

"Well, I hate to admit it but you're right; the Grey Wardens do keep a good record of their secrets! I've been researching Corypheus' lineage. I actually traced some of his family back to Tevinter, I've been hoping to find more here. I haven't been disappointed," just then Dorian produced a book and waved it in front of Hawke's face. The book looked like it would burst into dust at any second.

"Come sit with me for a moment will you? I'd like to have a chat," Dorian said as he led them to an empty table in the library. Dorian looked about the library, saw that Lenan was clear across the room, and nodded to himself. 

"So, Champion. What are your plans after Weisshaupt? Will you be sweeping our dear Herald off her feet?" Dorian continued to worry his mustache with his fingers. 

"I know you two are close; what's your concern?" 

"So suspicious! Not to worry my dear boy. I'm not here to scare you away; quite the opposite," Dorian said as a mischievous smile flitted across his face. "I saw you two in the gardens, and I saw you two walk here hand in hand. Little love birds!" he whispered as he leaned in close waggling his eyebrows. Hawke grew tense.

"I won't lie to you. She loves Solas, and I really,  _really_ don't understand why. But seeing her with you... I've never seen her like that. Whatever you're doing, you should -"

"She needs time, I know. I'm not letting this go. Trust me," Hawke said as he held up his hand to halt Dorian. He knew the man loved the sound of his own voice. 

"Well would you look at that! We're on the same page. Truly, she is a dear friend. I want to see her happy," Dorian's well composed face fell and Hawke could see just how much he cared for Lenan. 

Hawke nodded. "Me too," he said. "Hey Dorian, can you do me a favor?"

"That depends. will there be more sweeping off feet?" 

"Yes, actually. Do you mind not telling anyone where we are at? I don't know when we will be alone again, and you all are leaving in a few days..." 

"Whats that now? You want me to create a distraction? Ha! Consider it done," Dorian said as he got up and patted Hawke on the shoulder and left. 

Hawke got to spend the rest of the day with Lenan without interruption. It was one of the best days he'd had in a long time. 

* * *

Lenan and her companions stayed for a few more days.

Hawke got used to Lenan letting herself in and out of his room in the morning, whether he was awake or not. He loved it. She would sit on his bed and talk about what the Inquisition's next steps were. Hawke spoke to her about his uncertainties with the Grey Wardens. Something still wasn't sitting right with him when it came to the First Warden and he was happy when she agreed. He was even happier when she said she intended on coming back to Weisshaupt. It was easy to speak with her, her voice lulled him into a warm, safe place. Hawke was really beginning to dread letting her go. 

On her last morning at Weisshaupt, Lenan appeared in Hawke's room, as usual. Hawke was awake, but he lay in his bed not wanting to face the day. When Lenan came in the room he realized she wasn't dressed for her upcoming departure; her hair was down and she wore a simple shirt and pants. Lenan didn't greet him; instead she walked to his bed, lifted the blanket and crawled inside. Hawke froze: he had no shirt on and he only wore a pair of pants. 

"Move over, please," Lenan asked as she began to squirm in beside him, pushing him towards the edge of the bed.

"This is all you're going to get Quizzy. I'm not sure if you noticed but this bed is not that big," Hawke said as he tried to keep himself from being pushed off. 

"Its not the bed, its  _you_ _!_ You're so bulky. How does a mage get so large?" she asked as she poked his bicep as she continued to try and make more space. She really had no room to talk; she was a strong woman herself. Hawke did indeed train quite a bit; he like that she noticed. Hawke put an end to her squirming by wrapping his arm around her as she laid down on her side with her hands under her head. 

"Let's try this again. Good morning!" Hawke said. 

"Hawke, I don't want to leave," she whispered. 

"You kind of have to. You have Inquisitor stuff to do," 

"Then just come back with me, please," 

"So, you're just going to crawl into _my_ bed and tell  _me_ what to do?" 

"Garrett, I'm serious. You don't need to stay, this isn't your problem," 

"Lenan, for the first time in my life I can say I'm doing the right thing. Its the right thing and things won't end up in an explosion, trust me. Besides, you could have walked away from the Inquisition and said it wasn't your problem. But, you didn't. You stayed because it was the right thing to do. I'm not the Inquisitor; so this for me? This is something I should do," 

Lenan reached up and held his face. "I want you in my life, Hawke," her voice wavered. 

"I'm not going anywhere. Haven't I made that clear?" he asked. He could feel her shaking, trying not to cry. "I'm keeping Reg, I'll be the first to write, okay?" 

"Promise me you won't just disappear," she was crying now.

"Lenan, I  _promise_ you," he said in earnest now, trying to wipe the tears from her face as they kept flowing. She began taking deep breaths trying to steady herself. 

"Can you promise me one more thing? Please don't say goodbye to me today, I hate goodbyes," she said, her voice still a little shaky. 

"Okay, can I say see you later?"

"Sure," she said as she got up. Hawke could see it in her eyes; she was steeling herself. She would once again put her guard up... 

"See you down there," he said softly. Lenan nodded as she left his room, refusing to look at him.

He laid back down; he really wasn't ready for the day. 

* * *

An hour later the Inquisiton troops had already begun marching out of the gates. When Hawke reached the courtyard, Lenan was speaking to the First Warden. Hawke walked up to Varric, he was really going to miss his friend. 

"Gonna miss you Chuckles. Try not to let Blondie ruffle too many feathers, okay?" Varric said as he clapped Hawke's arm. 

"Can't make any promises," Hawke responded. Just then, the Iron Bull walked up and smacked Hawke on the back.  _There sure is a lot of hitting going on today,_ he thought. 

"We're going to go catch us a dragon! I'll send you some scales, you like that shit right?" Bull asked Hawke. 

"You're damn right. Sparkles, will you make me a necklace?" Hawke asked, turning to Dorian. 

"Shut up," Dorian retorted. Thom laughed hard. 

"What's this?" Lenan asked, looking between Hawke and Dorian. 

"Dorian is going to make jewelry for Hawke," Thom said. 

"Wait a second,  _I want jewelry_!" she whined, looking at Dorian with her signature pout. Hawke thought back to their travels in Crestwood and the Western Approach, he forgot just how hilarious all their banter was. 

"Don't worry Quizzy, I'll make you one," Hawke said to Lenan. He motioned her over to him and he embraced her. She hugged him back fiercely. Hawke still had one more burning question...

"You never,  _ever,_ told me; how did you travel here so fast?" he asked. 

"SHHHH!" Dorian shushed him as he flapped his hands wildly, indicating Hawke to keep his voice down. Lenan, still embracing Hawke, whispered in his ear. 

"We have been experimenting with some traveling stones; we've been placing way points all over Ferelden and Orlais. It's a little... hit or miss at the moment, heh..." Lenan laughed nervously.  _Oh, what does that mean?_

"Uh huh, I see. I'm sure you'll update me  _immediately_ when things are more  _certain_ ," Hawke said darkly, squeezing her tighter. If there was a chance he could travel back and forth to Skyhold _quickly_... 

"Yes! I promise. And guess what? In a month I will be back at Adamant to see Thain; I have been working it out with the First Warden. See you there?"  _No goodbyes, remember?_

"Of course Quizzy, I'll be there," Hawke held on a moment longer, trying to remember they were in a courtyard full of people. Before letting go, he kissed the top of her head. He released her and he watched her set off. Letting go was a little easier now that he knew exactly when he would see her again. She glanced back at him before the gate closed and she smiled: all teeth. 

 _I love her_ , he thought. Nothing could change that now. Hawke crossed his arms and smiled as he reminded himself once more:  _I can wait._

* * *

Lenan heard the gate close and her smile fell.  _I can't believe I'm leaving him there,_ she thought. Every single muscle in her body told her that this was wrong and she needed to stay.  _Or, I could just drag him with me..._ Lenan didn't understand why this was so hard. Something had changed between them.  _Well, a LOT changed,_ she thought. His touch made her skin tingle; his laugh was music to her ears. She felt so at ease around him. 

Lenan thought of going back to Skyhold... going back to Solas. Her heart ached just thinking about it. He had once been so warm and loving; now he kept his distance and wouldn't spend any time alone with her. She still loved him _; and he loves me, I know he does,_ she thought. 

And Hawke...

She didn't understand her feelings for him. To say she cared for him was an understatement. She recognized that her need to be close to him had quickly become physical; she would miss his warmth and his touch.  _It's okay,_ she thought, she didn't need to understand the  _why_. She liked what they were. She was already making plans to see him again.  _Whatever this is, I'm okay with it._ She smiled to herself and moved forward.

It had been a long time since she felt so at peace. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, that was long. Can you tell I didn't want to end this?!  
> Believe it or not, I too am in Solavellan hell. While I definitely love Champion x Inquisitor pairings, Solavellan stories are dear to my heart. Quizzy and Solas will definitely have their time to shine in her story.
> 
> Looking forward to tying this all up with Quizzy's story. Spring Break is over but I'm still working on it :)


	11. A Gift for Quizzy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke has just about lost his mind now that Quizzy and her gang are gone. He's irritated, angry, and lonely. He misses Lenan like crazy and just when he's resorted to having full on conversations with his raven Reginald, he receives a handful of letters. 
> 
> And some long awaited dragon scales. 
> 
> Hawke reminds himself that he said he would wait for Lenan until she was ready for something more... but he decides he would try and speed up the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, I decided this series isn't over. In fact, this has evolved into so much more than I originally planned on. 
> 
> While much of this story has already been written out; I'm still playing catch up with Lenan's story. 
> 
> There will be a lot of overlap between the two series and different accounts of their encounters together. Links to Quizzy's story in the series notes!

Hawke got up and prepared to leave the First Warden’s study. As he watched the serious mustache leave the room, Hawke’s thoughts wandered down a much-frequented path. He thought of Lenan, and he was seriously beginning to question just how long he would be able to wait for her. It had only been a few days since she left, and he already missed her like crazy. He assumed that knowing when he would see her next would make things easier, but it didn’t.

It was far from easy. In fact, he was far more restless than he had ever been. He was irritable and quick to anger. 

Hawke left the First Warden's study and headed to his room. He clenched and un-clenched his hands. Although Anders had yet to answer his letter, Hawke had just laid out his plans to the First Warden. The stupid mustache wasn't opposed to anything he said, he  _seemed_  agreeable. But the entire time Hawke spoke with him, the hair on the back of his neck stood up, and his skin crawled. 

 _Something isn't right with that fucking mustache,_ Hawke seethed. He marched across the courtyard and even the stone towers were beginning to irritate him. The stomping sound that his boots made as he walked began bothering him too. 

 _Everything is bothering me._  He reached one of the Northern towers and climbed the stairs leading to his room. He dragged his gauntlet across the walls, creating a jarring screeching sound.  _Fucking stone..._  he reached his room and let himself in. He inhaled deeply.

Everything still smelled like her; like warm honey and almonds... He walked over to his desk and picked up a white scarf. It belonged to Lenan. She had left it in his room one morning and he had forgotten to give it back to her before she left. He picked it up and relished the feeling of silk in his hands. He tossed himself on his bed and closed his eyes. He lost himself in the remnants of her scent and clutched the scarf to his chest. He inhaled deeply, willing himself to relax. 

He missed her and it showed. He couldn't stop thinking about what she could be doing. He knew she was supposed to hunt down a dragon without him, and he was sore about it. But then, she would be on her way back to Skyhold. 

And Solas was at Skyhold. The thought caused a surge of jealousy to course through his body and he sat up. His mind went back to something Lenan said in the gardens. 

_"I thought I could change his mind. I still do,"_

 Hawke had been lingering on that sentence for days and it was killing him.  _What if they get back together? I would never know until it's too late. What if they get back together and I'm the idiot who never said anything?_ Hawke rose from his bed and paced to and fro. He grew angry and he threw his hands up in the air. 

"Maker's fucking balls I'm going crazy! I need someone to talk to!" He roared. Reginald squawked and flapped his wings in irritation.

"Not you, Reg. You don't count. We're good though," he walked over to the corner of the room where he had placed a large cage for the raven. Reginald of course never used it, he preferred stealing Hawke's clothes and making a nest with it. He petted the raven fondly and Reginald leaned into the touch. 

"You can't bring her back to me Reg. I can't even write her yet," he murmured to the bird. He had made the decision to wait a few days before flooding her with letters, but he desperately wanted to talk to someone. After Lenan and her party left there was no one to turn to. Thain was gone and the bushy browed man was one of the only people he spoke to at Weisshaupt. The only people left were Anthony, the overly excited recruit, and the  _prick_  with the serious mustache.

"Fuck that guy, right?" Hawke said to Reginald. The bird blinked at him twice. Hawke squinted at the bird as he scrutinized it. He had a sneaking suspicion that Reginald understood him.

“I’m going to have to ask Quizzy about you, you cheeky bird,” Reginald nipped at his fingers affectionately. Hawke was just about to start removing his armor when the sound of someone rapping on the door made him jump.

“Yes?” he sighed in agitation as he began removing his large leather belt.

“Champion? I have a few letters for you. There are a lot of letters, actually. And a package," Anthony called out from behind the door. Hawke’s hands paused on his belt and he smiled from ear to ear.

He looked over at Reginald and said, “I’m a popular man today,”

Reginald cawed at him, blinked twice, and ruffled his feathers. Hawke took that to mean he agreed.

* * *

Hawke’s fingers tingled as he sat down at his desk and spread out the letters. Anthony wasn’t joking; the man delivered six letters and a small but heavy package. He didn’t know where to start. He got up and walked over to Reginald and held out his arm for the bird to perch on. Reginald obliged and they walked back to his desk.

“Okay, let’s test this out. Which one should I open first, Reg?” Hawke asked as he stroked his beard. Reginald hopped off his arm on to the desk. He tilted his head side to side as he skittered around the letters. Reginald paused and picked up a letter with his beak and then turned to Hawke. Hawke grabbed the letter and looked at the wax seal. It was the Inquisition insignia.

“I fucking knew it, you understand me!” Hawke yelled in excitement. Reginald blinked twice and flew back to his nest. “Good choice Reg,” he mused as he looked over the other letters.

One he recognized immediately; it bore the insignia of the Raiders of the Waking Sea. It was from Isabela. Hawke got a sour taste in his mouth and his heart ached. He grabbed the letter and tossed it down on the floor. _She didn’t answer me for over two months, now she has to wait_ , he thought bitterly. He recognized that one letter was from Varric, and two were from his brother and sister. He couldn’t tell who the last letter was from. _Anders, maybe?_

Hawke opened up the letter Reg picked out and began to read.

_Champ,_

_You missed a damn good fight my friend. The dragon almost took my head off! I wish you had been there, at least you would have appreciated it._

_Anyway, I sent you some scales. I asked Dorian to make a necklace out of them for you. Didn’t like the joke. Now he says no sex for a week._

_Make good use of them, it came at a high price._

_The Iron Bull._

Hawke laughed so hard that it brought tears to his eyes. He forgot that he made that joke before they all left.

“No sex for a week? I’m sure he’ll survive,” Hawke chuckled as he reached for the package. He placed it on the desk and tore it open. Bull sent several scales and they were absolutely stunning. They were a deep crimson and when he held them up to the light, he could see flecks of gold.

Hawke was elated. He put the dragon scales aside and opened Varric’s letter.

_Hey Hawke,_

_I have a few questions for you._

_Did you by chance promise Firecracker that you’d write her? Specifically, did you promise that you’d write her the day after we left? She sure is acting like it. She keeps saying that you stole her raven, Evan-something, that's its name right?_

_Did you steal her raven? You gonna use it as leverage? I’m pretty sure that’s not how courtship works. Anyway, she’s been pouting. A lot. It’s depressing, really. I suggest you send SOMETHING and give her raven back before her pout becomes permanent._

_See you soon, Loverboy,_

_Varric._

Hawke guffawed at the letter and almost fell out of his chair. He could just picture Lenan pouting while fighting the dragon. As Hawke tried to collect himself, he began to wonder if Lenan missed him as much as he missed her. _Clearly, she’s been waiting for me to write. Impatient as always,_ he thought fondly.

He absentmindedly grabbed a blank piece of parchment and quill and began writing:

_Dear Quizzy,_

_How do I tell you that I’m madly in love with you and that you’re all I think about and I’m fucking going insane I need you in my life MARRY ME_

Hawke crumpled the letter up in frustration and tossed it at the wall. Reginald voiced his displeasure and flapped his wings loudly.

“What? I can’t tell her that in a letter!” Hawke yelled at him. Hawke buried his face in hands and exhaled loudly. He couldn’t think of anything else to write her, the same thoughts kept circulating in his head. He dragged his hands down his face and looked up, and his eyes settled on the dragon scales.

Hawke suddenly broke out into a grin as he was struck with an idea. He collected the dragon scales and ran out of his room in search for a blacksmith.

* * *

The ever-eager Anthony offered to help Hawke and led him to an undercroft; it had high vaulted ceilings and the walls were lined with blueish bricks. It had to be one of the most impressive smithies Hawke had ever seen. It was hot and several wardens were hammering away at various pieces of metal.

Anthony led him around various workstations and Hawke grew even more excited. Hawke wanted to see a blacksmith because he remembered what he told Lenan before she left: He said he’d make her jewelry. While he had originally meant it as a joke, he now thought it was a great idea.

They stopped in front of a burly man. He was bald and had a perfectly manicured mustache. _Another mustache… are they popular with Wardens? Carver is a Warden and he doesn’t have any facial hair,_ he thought as his eyes zeroed in on the facial hair in question.

“Stephen? I would like to introduce you to Garrett Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall. He’s been a guest of the First Warden. He has a favor to ask,” Anthony said as he gestured to Hawke. Stephen tossed the hammer he held onto the ground and stuck his hand out. Hawke nervously shook the man’s hand.

“Yeah, I heard about you. What can I do for you?” the man had a deep, gravelly voice that carried across the vaulted room.

“I was wondering if you could make something for me. I had some dragon scales delivered to me and I wanted a necklace made out of them. Well, a rosary really,” Hawke said as he held out a scale for the man to look at. Hawke never saw the rosary Lenan used to wear. She told him about it once and he knew it was important to her. This wouldn’t be the same, but he hoped she would like it.

Stephen took one of the scales and held it up to his eyes. He flipped it over and tossed it up and down in his hand a few times. Finally, he raised his left hand and unleashed a fiery blast upon the scale. _Wow, he’s a mage…_ the scale was unscathed. Stephen pursed his lips and nodded.

“This will yield a lot of magic. Its powerful. It’ll be a useful amulet and offer some fire resistance. You want two of these? Andraste’s image and all?” Stephen asked as he pointed at the rest of the scales Hawke carried. Hawke was slightly shocked. He didn’t even think about the magical properties that dragon scales possessed, but if he could give Lenan a gift that offered her some protection… _Even better,_ he thought.

“Didn’t even think about that. Sure, two will do. Thank you. When do you think you will be done?” Hawke asked as he gave the rest of the scales to Stephen.

“Should be an easy job. Give me a day or two,” Stephen seemed confident. He turned around and immediately set to work. Hawke thanked him and he and Anthony left the man to work.

“Champion, who is the rosary for?” Anthony asked lightly.

Hawke smiled to himself. “A very important woman,” he said softly.

* * *

True to his word, it only took Stephen a day and a half to finish crafting the rosaries. Hawke picked them up and took them back to his room.

They were beautiful; two identical rosaries. They were a deep crimson and the beads had a golden hue to it. Hawke could feel that the beads held a strong magical aura; it tingled. He ran his fingers over the beads and laughed to himself. Neither he nor Lenan believed in the Maker and now they both were going to walk around with Andraste’s face around their neck.

Hawke was also faced with a dilemma. Should he wait and give it to her when they met up at Adamant, or send it to her now? He thought back to a few days before when he questioned how long he could wait for Lenan. He acknowledged he was being overly dramatic at the time; of course he could wait for her to come around. _Doesn’t mean I can’t try and speed up the process,_ he thought.

Hawke put one of the rosaries around his neck and grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill.

_Dear Quizzy,_

_A little birdie told me you’ve been waiting for me to send a letter. Look who’s impatient! The little birdie also told me that you said I stole your raven. Didn’t we agree that Reg is ours? If you keep going around saying that, I’ll declare sole custody of Reginald…_

_Anyway, I miss you. And I’m jealous you fought a dragon without me. Speaking of dragons, Bull sent me some dragon scales._

_I decided to make something with them. I wanted to give you something._

_I had a rosary made for you. Well, its more of an amulet. And there were enough scales that I had two of them made. One for me and one for you._

_We’ll be matching._

_I’ll see you in a few weeks. How much do you want to bet I’ll beat you there?_

_I hope you like the gift. I’m already wearing mine. What a blasphemous pair we’ll make!_

_Yours,_

_Hawke._

Hawke grabbed an envelope and placed his letter and the rosary inside. He sent it away with Reginald and then sat down and rubbed his temples. He truly missed Lenan. He missed her smile, her touch, the way she felt in his arms… He couldn’t wait to meet her at Adamant.

With a sigh he turned his attention to two letters he had been avoiding. The letters were still on the ground where he had tossed them. He picked them up and looked at them. He tossed the one from Isabela back on the ground and opened up the other.

_Oh, Anders…_


	12. What Have I Done?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke finally gets around to reading the two letters he has been avoiding. He soon realizes why he's been avoiding them for so long; they're infuriating and its all news he really didn't want to know. 
> 
> After reading Isabela's letter he soon realizes he's made a huge mistake, and he has no idea what to do. The only thing he can think of is to write Lenan. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGST. Things will not be easy for Lenan and Hawke.  
> I've already mentioned Hawke's brother and sister, but in case it isn't clear: Carver and Bethany are both alive, and they're both Grey Wardens. There's an explanation in the chapter.
> 
> Didn't want to write too much here, hope you enjoy it!

_Dear Hawke,_

_I must say, I never thought I would hear from you again. To tell you the truth, I thought that if we ever did see each other again it would just be you cursing me for hours on end._

_After all this time, you are asking a lot of me, and I am not sure how I can help you. But, to answer your questions: Yes, I heard the Calling. No, Vengeance did not control my body the entire time, I do have some control. Things are different now. I hear only Justice, there is no Vengeance. Seriously, after all this time is that all you can ask about me?_

_Yes, I knew that the Grey Wardens had gone missing. You do know I have kept in contact with Bethany since you all left Kirkwall, right? You do know that she asked me to come visit her after you asked her to go into hiding?_

_She was terrified of the Calling. She said that Carver became quiet and withdrawn and she was scared she was going to lose her mind. She asked me to come keep her company and I did. Carver wasn’t too pleased, as you can imagine._

_She misses you Hawke. She won’t say it, but I can tell. Neither of them like that you’ve taken on this responsibility. You think you can change the core of what makes a Grey Warden? Isn’t this beyond you? Do you think that maybe you’re in over your head? Bethany wants to join you, to help you. But, I think she should stay out of this mess._

_I suppose that is why I’m coming to help you. I agree that Bethany and Carver deserve to feel safe, and I guess I understand why you’re doing this. Justice doesn’t approve of my decision, but if that means Bethany will be safe… then I have to do it._

_Please, don’t be angry. Nothing is serious between us really, but… I care for her. I should reach Weisshaupt within a week of you receiving this letter; since I’ve been staying with Bethany and Carver I am not that far away._

_I seriously hope you have a better plan than just sitting and reading through an entire library. If not, then perhaps its best we come up with a different plan._

_Anders,_

Hawke resisted the urge to burn the letter in his hands. He rose from his chair, ready to tear the letter apart. Instead, he tossed the letter on the ground and turned his anger on the wall. He punched the wall with all his might. A large crack formed where his gauntlet met the stone and he found it satisfying.

Hawke had always hated the fact that Bethany became a Grey Warden. After Carver contracted the taint in the Deep Roads, Bethany went ahead and joined the Order when Carver did. The two argued like cats and dogs, but she had done it out of solidarity. Out of love. Bethany never mentioned how frightened she was of the Calling in her letters and now he felt terrible he hadn't been there to console her, but Anders had... 

 _Anders is sleeping with my sister, and Carver allowed it? Have they lost their fucking minds?!_ Hawke attempted to take deep breaths as he tried to make sense of everything. He really had no right to be angry, it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen that coming. He had noticed it before he left Kirkwall, before everything went to shit. Whenever Anders and Bethany were together, they were inseparable. 

And he could just picture it; how all the pieces fell into place. How Bethany and Carver reached out to Hawke and told him that they both heard the Calling. How he asked them to go into hiding, to ignore the Calling until he could figure out what was going on. Hawke could see how all that time spent in isolation could make Bethany lonely… He could see Anders stepping in at the perfect moment to console her…

Hawke sighed. He didn’t have the right to be angry. He set them up for this. He suspected that Bethany had always kept in contact with Anders, but he didn’t want to pressure her about it, he didn’t want to be the overly protective brother. Bethany was lonely, he understood that part.

 _But why him? Why Anders?_ Hawke asked himself. Neither his brother nor sister mentioned the fact that Anders had been staying with them. Carver would never rat Bethany out; the two had a strange bond. _Freaking twins._ Instead, Hawke tried to focus on the fact that his sister could be happy, even if that meant she sought happiness with Anders.

Hawke’s thoughts took an abrupt turn. He thought of Lenan and how open and loving she was. If she were in his shoes, she would embrace this news; encourage it even. Unthinkingly, Hawke walked back to his desk and picked up the white scarf Lenan left behind. He focused on the way the silk slid through his fingers like water. Hawke thought back to one morning when she came into his room and stood in front of his mirror, fussing with the scarf. He remembered Lenan becoming irritated because the scarf wouldn’t fall around her neck the way she wanted.

“ _Oh, bother!”_ she whined as she slammed the scarf on his desk. Hawke chuckled as he remembered how cute he thought she was. _I have an unhealthy obsession with that woman,_ he thought. And just like that, he decided to just let it go, for now. He’d figure out what to do with the _Anders and Bethany_ situation later.

Hawke stared at the ground where he had tossed the letter. His gaze fell on the unopened letter he had been avoiding for two days now. He stared so hard at it he was surprised he hadn’t burned a hole in it. Hawke chewed on the inside of his cheek for a few moments before throwing his hands up in the air.

“Maker’s fucking balls might as well!” he yelled. Hawke picked up Isabela’s letter and braced himself; the letter didn’t even begin with a line addressing him.

_You’ve got a lot of nerve speaking to me that way. I think somewhere along the way, you’ve become disillusioned._

_Did you stop keeping track of how long we have been apart? Because I haven’t. I’ve been counting the days, the years… You have been gone for two fucking years, Hawke! When you left Kirkwall, you made it seem like we would only be apart for a little bit. I told you I loved you, I told you that you’d have a bed to come back to and a woman that wanted to lay down beside you._

_But then the days turned into months, and the months turned into years. I was angry, I was bitter. I had finally found the man I wanted to be with, and he disappears and doesn’t tell me when he’s coming back._

_And then, when you finally come out of hiding and grace the world with your arrogant presence, where do you go first? It certainly wasn’t to see me. You go off and join the fucking Inquisition! All you can write about is this Inquisitor and all the wonderful things you’ve been up to. You never once mentioned when you’d come back to me. How do you think I felt?_

_So yes, I’ve kept myself busy. I do as I please, as I told you I would. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Did you really think my feelings would just go away? I’m angry, yes. But I expect you to do something to correct that._

_I don’t think that everything has to come to an end. I think we need to talk, and I think this time we need to actually come up with a plan for us that works._

_Isabela,_

Hawke felt as if someone opened the window and a cold chill swept into the room. His heart seized up and his hands balled into fists. He had to re-read the letter three times before he could accept what he was reading.

“Holy fuck, what I have I done?” he asked himself as he buried his face in his hands.

* * *

_This is one big, giant clusterfuck you’ve gotten yourself into, Hawke,_ he thought to himself. He rubbed his tired eyes and looked down at the white scarf he still clung to.

Even though Isabela had stopped writing him for over two months, and he was still pissed about it, he had to accept that Isabela was right. He didn’t think about how long they’d been apart. He thought she understood that they had to be apart, he just assumed they would be okay. _She said she loved me, I said I loved her; end of story. Right?_ That was just how they worked.

Hawke rubbed Lenan’s scarf with his fingers. He thought back to a conversation he had with her back in Crestwood where he _spewed_ out his love life:

 _“It sounds like you didn’t make any rules, Hawke. There are no boundaries or guidelines. Doesn’t every relationship need them, so you don’t get hurt?”_ Lenan had asked.

As usual, she had been right. For someone that claimed she knew nothing about how relationships worked, Lenan had hit the nail on the head.

Now, Hawke was stuck at Weisshaupt, about to welcome Anders back into his life, and he was in love with two women at the same time. As Hawke read Isabela’s letter yet again, he felt it; and the pain he felt began to cripple him.

He still loved Isabela.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_ He began to tear up. _What do I do?_ He asked himself. He had no one to talk to. No one to ask for help. No one to help him understand what he was feeling. He wished Varric was there to tell him he was being an idiot; or for Carver to tell him he was being an _immature_ idiot… He’d even settle for Anders at this point. There was only one person who would be completely honest with him. Only one person who’d make him feel better…

Hawke went and sat back down at his desk. He placed Lenan’s scarf on his lap, and Isabela’s letter to the side. He grabbed a piece of parchment and began writing:

_Quizzy,_

_I’m lost._

_I think I fucked up, and I need your help. Isabela finally wrote back, like I told you she would. She said I’m disillusioned; that I didn’t think about her feelings._

_You were right. That’s the only time I’ll say that to you, so I hope you save this letter. She and I didn’t make any rules, we didn’t set any boundaries._

_And now she wants to talk. I think she wants to save our relationship. What the fuck do I say? What if things are different now? What if I’ve already made plans for the future? What if my feelings have changed? Or maybe they haven’t. I don’t really know._

_Oh, Anders wrote back too. He’s coming to Weisshaupt. And guess what? He’s sleeping with my sister._

_I’m furious._

_Where are you when I need you? Are those way point traveling stone thingies working right? I need to see you. I don’t want to wait until we meet at Adamant._

_Love you Quizzy,_

_Hawke,_

Hawke didn’t even stop to think about what he just wrote. He didn’t check to see if the letter made sense. He didn’t care that he had just sent Lenan a letter a few hours ago. He folded the letter up and headed for the aviary. He trusted Lenan to be honest with him. As he walked toward the aviary, he tried to connect the dots. How did all of this start? How did he drift away from one woman while he fell in love with another?

_Lenan, that fucking woman._

 If he was being honest with himself, he knew the fall began long before their encounter in the Fade. It started the moment he met her; when he felt his heart racing as he shook her hand and he had just dismissed it. When he first felt the urge to follow her wherever she walked, he told himself it was because she was just a good leader. He had been sucked into her orbit, and he found peace in her presence. He just never knew what it was or what was happening. Not until now.

As he sent Lenan his second letter within hours of sending his first, a part of him hoped and prayed she would write back and tell him to let Isabela go. Another part of him knew she wouldn’t say that, he had a feeling he knew what she would tell him. Either way, he wouldn’t write Isabela until Lenan answered him first.

Lenan was one of the only people he trusted with his heart. He hoped she wouldn’t lead him astray.


	13. Anders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anders finally arrives at Weisshaupt and Hawke feels very conflicted about it.
> 
> Desperate to make a connection so he can have his friend back, Hawke tries his best to leave the past where it belongs. 
> 
> Lenan finally responds to his letters and one of them leaves him feeling heartbroken.

Hawke leaned over the water basin in his room, staring down at his distorted reflection. He scooped up water in his hands and splashed it on his face before standing straight up and looking in the mirror above the basin.

He groaned at the man he saw. His midnight black hair had grown so long that it began falling into his face. His deep, emerald green eyes appeared jumpy. He reached up and traced the blood red tattoo that stretched over the bridge of his nose and then down to run his fingers through his now grizzly beard.

 _At least that much is the same,_ he thought. His eyes roamed over his face identifying what had changed over the last two years. He now had a large scar from his right ear all the way to the edge of his mouth, curtesy of the Fear demon from the Fade. He looked at the small scar on the corner of his left eye, that one was from Erimond. _Fucking piece of shit…_ He sighed as he turned away from his reflection, used his fingers to comb his hair back, and continued to get dressed.

_I don’t think I’ve changed much. I wonder how much HE has changed._

Just moments ago, Anthony charged into his room and announced that Anders had arrived. The First Warden had immediately requested that Anders meet with him privately. This made Hawke nervous, but it also gave him a chance to collect himself.

 Hawke found he was having a hard time controlling his thoughts. _I wonder if he finally cut his hair… Does he still have Cuddlesworth? Will he act like nothing happened? Should I curse him? Maybe I’ll punch him for sleeping with my sister…_

“Ugh! I can’t fucking punch him, then he won’t help me! Let it go, let it go… right, Reg?” He asked Reginald as he secured his breastplate over his shirt. Reginald tilted his head at him and blinked twice. “Fine! I won’t punch him… yet. I’ll let it go,” he said absentmindedly as he secured his thick leather belt around his waist.

He fastened one of his gauntlets over his left arm and sighed. _Punching him would be so satisfying…_ Hawke walked over to Reginald, who had stolen Lenan’s white scarf and placed it on top of his nest of clothes. He yanked the scarf away from the raven.

“ _This is mine!_ ” he scolded as he shook the scarf in Reginald’s face. Hawke wrapped the scarf around his right wrist before securing his other gauntlet over it. It instantly made him feel at peace. Before leaving his room to go meet Anders at the First Warden’s study, he paused at his desk to pick up a letter. Lenan’s letter…

He had read the letter at least ten times, but he decided to read it again. He broke out into a foolish grin as he read the first few words.   

_Dear Hawke,_

_Evunial delivered your gift, he wouldn’t stop pestering me until I opened it. The rosary is beautiful, I put it on instantly. Words cannot express how happy I am, this means the world to me._

_I can’t believe that you even remembered when I mentioned my old necklace, it seems like such a long time ago now. I truly missed wearing something around my neck. I feel complete now. This brings me so much joy._

_Did you really have two rosaries made? I know you don’t believe in the Maker, and I hope you don’t feel like you have to wear it. I do like the idea that we are matching, though._

_I must repay you for your gift. I haven’t figured out what it is yet, but I promise I will repay you._

_I miss you, Hawke. Things have been different and being at Skyhold is hard, but your gift made me feel so much better. Thank you, Hawke._

_I will see you soon, lethal’lin. And no, you will not beat me to Adamant; I won’t accept that bet._

_Yours,_

_Lenan._

He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. The parchment carried a hint of her scent and it drove him wild with longing. He folded the letter and placed it down on his desk gently. The letter was short, and he remembered feeling a pang of disappointment that she hadn’t written more, but he knew he was being needy. Reginald had delivered this letter not two days after he sent her his gift. What puzzled him was the fact that he still had not received a response to his other letter about Isabela.

As he walked out of his room, he thought of all the reasons why she wouldn’t have responded to his second letter. _Maybe she doesn’t know what to say. What if she is too busy? But, she’s always so quick to respond to me, so that can’t be it…_

“Lethal’lin, _”_ he murmured to himself. Lenan called him that in her letter. He knew what it meant, and he knew it was a special endearment, but she had never said it in person. He’d been repeating the word in his head for days. He thought back to another thing she said in her letter.

 _“I miss you,” she said. She never says any of this stuff in person. Why won’t she tell me? I need to hear her say it…_ Hawke sighed. 

Lost in thought, Hawke didn’t realize he had already made his way into the courtyard. He slowed down, trying to delay the inevitable. Anxiety began to kick in and sweat formed on the back of his neck. He began second guessing himself. _What if I made yet another mistake? What if calling on Anders for help was a really, really bad idea?_

Hawke suddenly realized he wasn’t ready to see Anders. He turned heel and made off toward the mess hall. _It isn’t too early to have ale is it?_

“Hawke?” a familiar voice called out.

Hawke slowed down until his feet finally came to a halt, and he sighed in defeat. His shoulders sagged for a moment before he collected himself. He knew exactly who was calling out to him. He straightened up and turned around.

And there stood Anders.

He hadn’t changed all that much. His light blonde hair was longer now; he wore part of it up in a bun and the rest fell down around his shoulders. He now sported a thick, well-groomed beard. Hawke rubbed his own untamable facial hair subconsciously. Anders’ light blue eyes danced with anticipation and it reminded Hawke of the night he let Anders in his bed…

Hawke spotted an old tabby cat’s head peeking out of the top of Anders’ pack. _Ah, Cuddlesworth… He really hasn’t changed at all._ Hawke beamed at the cat, he adored Cuddlesworth.

Anders caught Hawke’s smile and his full lips finally broke out into a wide grin. Anders’ smile conjured up a wealth of memories and feelings. This man was once his friend, a _close_ friend. And then, he ruined his life. He ruined a lot of lives. _But, here he is. He came when I asked him to, that’s got to count for something, right?_

Hawke instinctively extended his right hand out in a formal greeting. Anders slowly closed the gap between them; his lips opened and shut several times. Anders’ right hand reached out and gripped Hawke’s forearm, and Hawke responded in kind. He felt a surge of energy and power… _Hello to you too, Justice._

They shook for a moment and then stopped, both men still holding on to each other. Hawke searched his eyes for the man he once trusted, the man he once called friend… _I know he’s still in there somewhere, that’s why he’s here,_ Hawke told himself as tears welled in his eyes. He shook his head as he gripped Anders’ arm tighter and pulled him in close for an embrace. Anders exhaled loudly as he pressed his head against Hawke’s shoulder.

“You stupid, idiotic, idealistic man. It’s been a real shitshow since I last saw you, but we’re going to fix that now, okay? At least some of it,” Hawke’s voice burned so intensely he felt Anders shiver.

“Yes, I know. Are you going to curse me? I’m prepared for the worst,” Anders laughed in relief as he pulled back a little and pressed his forehead to Hawke’s.

“Curse you? I mean, I could. I had a whole slew of words for you, but I had decided against it. You want me to let it out? Would that make you feel better? I think that’s kind of sick…” Hawke said as he began to chuckle. Anders threw his head back and laughed heartily.  

“Ah, no. You can keep that in your head, thanks. I only have one very important question for you,” Anders’ voice abruptly turned dark and serious. Hawke absentmindedly reached around Anders’ back and petted the cat who had been observing their reunion. Hawke raised his eyebrows at Anders, waiting for the question.

“You think they’ll let me keep Cuddlesworth? If one more person makes me get rid of my cat, I swear I’ll…” Anders’ voice became distressed as his cheeks puffed up, searching for the right words.

“You’ll what? What’s the worst you can do? Blow…” Hawke paused as a devilish grin spread across his lips.

“Stop it,” Anders warned.

“Something…”

“Stop. It.” Anders’ resolve wavered as his mouth twitched.

“Up…?” Hawke finished, his whole body shaking as he tried to suppress a laugh.

“I hate you. I don’t know why I agreed to help you,” Anders shoved Hawke away playfully and Hawke roared with laughter.

“You’re helping me because you love me, and you owe me. And you’re sleeping with my sister _,_ so you _really_ owe me. Andraste’s tits I really want to punch you for that,” Hawke countered as he narrowed his eyes at the man.

Anders blushed a deep crimson and grew stiff as a board. “Did you automatically jump to that conclusion? Hawke, we aren’t sleeping together! I told you it wasn’t that serious. I’m trying to take things slow…” Anders gritted his teeth as he waited for Hawke to respond.

Hawke’s jaw dropped and his heart soared. His hands balled into fists and he shook them at the heavens. He shouldn’t be that happy over the news, but he couldn’t help it.

“Maker’s fucking balls! Well, that’s that then! No more talk about Bethany,” Hawke waved his finger at Anders like a mother would when scolding her child. “Anyway, you can keep the cat. I’ve got a pet raven I share custody of with Quizzy and they don’t seem to mind,” Hawke said dismissively as he threw an arm over Anders’ shoulders and steered him back toward his room.

“Quizzy? Who’s that? Why did you take their raven?” Anders asked as he let Hawke lead the way. Cuddlesworth pawed at Hawke and began purring against Hawke’s arm.

“Quizzy? You know, the Inquisitor?” Hawke paused and looked at Anders like he should know everything already. _You know, Quizzy? The love of my life, the woman who turned my life upside down?_

“I didn’t take her raven, we s _hare_ custody. Don’t ask any more questions, I’ve got a lot to tell you. Preferably, not out in the open…” Hawke continued as his eyes darted around the fortress. “Tell me, what did you think of the First Warden?” Hawke asked in a low whisper.

“Well, he is _something._ That mustache, it’s quite… substantial. It twitched a lot when we talked, I couldn’t get a good read on him. Do you think women find that mustache attractive? That must be ticklish…” Anders mused as he stroked his own beard.

Hawke’s heart began to ache. It was hard hearing Anders speak so lightly, so freely. This was the man he knew; his friend. The same man whose actions shook the very foundation of all of Thedas. And here he is again, and Hawke was trying his very best to keep a smile plastered on his face and move on.

Hawke took a deep breath as he squeezed the man’s shoulders. _Don’t punch him, make him help, and move on. I can do that, right? At least I have some company now,_ Hawke told himself.

_And maybe, just maybe, I can have my friend back._

* * *

Hawke stood in front of his mirror with a pair of shears, and Anders sat leisurely on his bed with Cuddlesworth on his lap. Seeing Anders’ well-groomed appearance compelled Hawke to do something about the bear living on his face.

“So, then I tell him I’d like your help-” Hawke paused as he trimmed the left side of his beard. “And I told him you’ve heard Corypheus in your head before. I kinda told him about… you know. Justice. I told him that Justice stopped you from hearing his voice, and that we should look into that. And the whole time his fucking mustache is just… twitching. And he just stared at me,” Hawke paused again and combed his beard a bit, looking for stragglers.

“He didn’t say anything, and he didn’t ask for an explanation. I thought maybe I should connect the dots for him, but then I thought better of it. I’ve been keeping most things to myself. I don’t really trust him,” Hawke said as he began working on the right side of his beard. Hawke heard Anders snicker and Hawke looked at the man through the mirror.

Anders met his gaze and shook his head. “Well, that explains everything. He never actually said it was okay if I came here did he?”

Hawke shrugged. “Well, you were allowed inside, weren’t you? What did he say to you?”

“He said something along the lines of, ‘ _Your presence here is quite unsettling, but since you are here you would do well to remember you are a Grey Warden. I expect you to do your duty and act like one,’_ blah, blah, blah. You know,” Anders said as he drew circles in the air with his index fingers.

Hawke scoffed as he cleaned up the edges of his beard along his jaw. “See, there you go. I’ve told him on more than one occasion that you’d be coming. The serious mustache has his own agenda. I don’t think he likes the idea that Corypheus used Wardens to create a demon army, but I’m not sure he liked the idea of finding a different way to become a Warden,” Hawke splashed water on his face and then inspected his beard. It was short and neat; just the way he liked it.

He ran his fingers through his hair and then turned to Anders, his shears in hand. “Will you trim my hair?”

Anders grimaced. “Hawke, do I look like l know how to cut hair?”

“Anything is better than this, Blondie,” Hawke pointed at the mess atop his head.

Anders sighed as he moved Cuddlesworth off his lap and to the side. He got up and held his hand out, waiting for the shears. Hawke hesitated. All these years and every encounter with Justice had made him paranoid. _What if he gets frustrated with my hair and he gets angry? What if Justice pops out to say hello, and I just gave the man a pair of shears?_

 _Well, this hair needs to get cut someway, somehow._ Hawke relinquished the shears to Anders and sat down in a chair. Anders took the shears and ran a hand through Hawke’s hair. He began working at the front.

“You said you’ve been keeping most things to yourself. What are you hiding?” Anders inquired as he trimmed Hawke’s bangs.

“Well, I haven’t read through the _entire_ library, but I have been reading quite a bit. Some of the researchers pointed me in the right direction,” Hawke said as he peeked at Anders through the hair showering down before him.

“Wow, you can read! I am so proud of you, Hawke!” Anders chuckled to himself. Hawke resisted the urge to look up, fearing that Anders would seriously botch up his hair.

“Shut it. Anyway, I found this book that had an entire chapter torn out. It mentioned the Grand Enchanter and a child that she had,” Hawke paused to brush the hair off his lap. Anders worked his way around his head.

“Fiona had a child? Are you sure? What does this have to do with the Joining?” Anders sounded skeptical.

“I’m not sure, I didn’t get to find out now, did I? It seemed important, I mean, why would an entire chapter be torn out? There was a Warden-Commander here that I grew to like, Thain is his name. He was sent to Adamant to rebuild and lead the Wardens helping the Inquisition. Before he left, I told him about the book I found,”

“Mmmhmm, and?” Anders urged.

“He got this funny look on his face, at least I thought so, he has the bushiest eyebrows I’ve ever seen. He got all serious and told me he’d like to help me. He smuggled a different book out of the library, and he said he’d give it to me when I get to Adamant. It sounds important,” Hawke tensed. Now that he was saying this out loud, he thought he sounded crazy.

Anders combed Hawke’s hair and then moved to the back. “I see. It appears he knows why the pages to that book are missing. I’m curious to see what is in this other book. But I’m still confused as to why you wanted my help,” Anders admitted.

“You were the first Warden to hear Corypheus’ calling. This shouldn’t have surprised the Warden’s like it did. I do think they need to hear what happened to you. Plus, I’m not a Grey Warden, and you’ve seen and done a lot. And… Bethany and Carver… I miss them but,” Hawke’s heart skipped a beat. “I don’t want them involved in my mess, again. I’ve put them through too much. I figured it’s time you helped instead,”

“I… I see,” Anders sounded a little cold, disappointed. “Bethany would have come; I really think they both would. But, I understand,”

Anders continued trimming his hair in silence. Hawke felt uncomfortable and decided to keep his mouth shut. He realized that what he said sounded less than inviting. _Maker’s balls, what did he expect? That I would jump and shout for joy when he arrived?_

Anders finished trimming his hair and brushed off Hawke’s shoulders. “So, what next then? You want me to speak to the researchers and then…? Read through the library?”

Hawke rose from the chair and walked over to the mirror. Anders did a decent job. Hawke’s hair no longer fell into his eyes and he was able to part it to the left with ease. He smiled in relief.

“What’s next? We are headed to Adamant in a day or two, so don't get too comfortable. I suppose you can speak to the researchers here before we leave though,” Hawke chuckled at Anders’ expression that he caught in the mirror.

“Leave? But I just arrived! Why do _I_ need to leave?” Anders groaned as his shoulders slumped.

_Because I need to see my Quizzy, that’s why…_

“Well, for one; I need that book that Thain has. And two, I don’t think it’s wise that I leave you here alone… wouldn’t you agree? Besides, you’ll get to meet the Inquisitor. You’ll like her. I actually think it is good you two meet, I think she can help you,” Hawke said. _Also, I need to beat her there._

“Help me? Help me how?” Anders sounded doubtful.

“It’s kind of hard to explain. I guess I mean with… Justice. Don’t look at me like that. I’m not trying to be a dick. You’ll get it when you meet her,” Hawke raised his hands up when he heard Anders grind his teeth.

Anders rubbed his temples and exhaled loudly. “Fine. I guess I’ll go… I dunno. Find a room for the night. See you later then,” Anders collected his cat and made for the door.

Hawke grabbed Anders by the elbow before he exited the room. “Hey, just give me time, okay? This is all a little weird and I’m really trying. Anyway, thanks for the haircut,” Hawke tried to sound as sincere as possible.

Anders’ face relaxed a little, but Hawke could still see the pain in his eyes. “I get it, Hawke. I’ll see you in a little bit,” his lips turned up just slightly. He left the room, closing the door softly as he went.

“UGH!” Hawke groaned as he flopped onto his bed. He screamed into his pillow. _This SUCKS._ Hawke got up and sighed. He headed for the door, intending to stop Anders and ask him if he wanted to move a bed into his room.

Hawke heard a loud _thump_ that stopped him dead in his tracks. He looked over at Reginald who sat on top of his nest of clothing; he stared fixedly at the window. Hawke followed Reg’s gaze and found a raven sitting in the windowsill.

Hawke ran to the raven, desperate to see who sent it. He bent down to inspect its leg and he moaned in relief. _Lenan… Finally._ Hawke was happy that she wrote him, but he also felt nervous. A part of him knew what the letter contained.

He hurriedly unfurled the letter and began to read:

_Dear Garrett,_

_I am sorry that I am not there with you. I wish that I could be there, or that you were here at Skyhold. But please know that I am always here for you, no matter how far apart we are._

_You did not “Fuck up” Hawke. Things are just… complicated._

_Aren’t you happy Isabela finally wrote back, even if it wasn’t what you expected?_

_I must admit, I am a little confused. Isn’t this what you wanted? Don’t you want to save the relationship? You both didn’t set boundaries or make rules, but it sounds like you have another chance at that now._

_I know its been a long time since you two have spoken, but it sounds like she’s willing to talk. Even if your feelings have changed and you’ve made other plans; wouldn’t you want an explanation? Wouldn’t you want closure?_

_I know I would. In fact, that is exactly what I am waiting for._

_I think you should meet with her, Hawke. Even if things don’t work out, you deserve an explanation. You’ve been through so much._

_And Anders... I am not quite sure what to say about that, but I am sure we can figure something out together._

_To answer your other question… I figured out what kind of gift to give you. I think you will be happy._

_I cannot wait to see you, lethal’lin. Just a little longer…_

_Yours,_

_Lenan._

Tears stung his eyes. _Just a little longer…_ he repeated.

He knew she would say this… _“Don’t you want to save the relationship?”_ he read again.

_No, Lenan. I want you to tell me you want me…_

Hawke felt like his heart was going to split apart at the seams. There were so many things in her letter that cut like a knife.

Hawke wiped the tears from his eyes as he grabbed two pieces of parchment. One for Lenan…

And the other for Isabela.


End file.
